Shikamaru Plus Glasses Equals
by therealesther
Summary: Shikamaru could never have imagined the consequences of such an image change...dedicated to phishychan EPILOGUE NOW UP! THANK U AND GOODNIGHT!
1. Default Chapter

**Shikamaru Plus Glasses Equals…**

This fic, such as it is, is dedicated to Phishy-chan, who I don't even know and who probably doesn't know me! But s/he still gets credit for this idea…

_After I took out two Hidden Mist nin with a Rasengan, some more of the assholes sneaked up and tried to get the scroll from the daimyo's bag, while their leader got me in some kind of weird whirling mist jutsu that ALMOST had me worried for a second, but I was just about to whip his arse when the Ice Bastard FINALLY decided to show up and help, not that I needed his help anyway, but those damn Sharingan can come in handy every now and then…but anyway, _

Shikamaru grimaced and rubbed at his eyes, trying to dispel the nagging ache that had steadily been increasing in intensity for the last few hours.

Damn, Naruto's reports were painful to peruse. How many times had he begged Naruto to at least _attempt _to use slightly more formal language for official documents? If any outsiders ever read these submissions, it would be thought that Konoha was occupied by a bunch of hyperactive teenagers with too much testostereone too work off and the writing skills of a ten year old. And the blatant Sasuke bashing…Shikamaru groaned aloud.

"Those two will never grow up."

Long ago Naruto and Sasuke had stopped requesting each other as partners on missions; they didn't need to. For Tsunade-sama, the council, and Konoha's numerous clients, it had become a given that wherever the blonde Kyuubi container was, the Sharingan wielding, missing-nin-redeemed brunette would show up there soon after. And vice versa.

That still did not stop Naruto from calling the Uchiha a bastard and various other names in official documents, nor keep Sasuke from calling Naruto a dead-last and whapping him upside the head at every given opportunity.

Shikamaru sighed and, realizing that he was still rubbing at his eyes, stopped himself and picked up the page again.

Naruto's scrawled, childish handwriting, embellished with smudges and stains (presumably from spilled ramen), swam dizzily before his eyes. He blinked and squinted, trying to focus. Finding this tactic useless, Shikamaru laid down the page for a moment and leaned back in his padded chair.

He hadn't even realized he had been so hunched over until he stretched, hearing the satisfying clicks and pops in his back. He stretched further, arching, tilting his head back until his ponytail was flattened between his forehead and the tall back of the chair.

_Damn desk jobs…what did I do to deserve this?_ Konoha's top strategist asked silently as he gazed wearily at the stacks of papers piled up on his desk.

The only problem with asking Nara Shikamaru questions, was that he ALWAYS knew the answers, even when he himself was doing the asking.

_Don't you remember?_ Another part of his brain answered lazily, _I think it all started with you deciding you DIDN'T want that troublesome Sound wench to turn you into a porcupine with her senbon. Then fighting Temari, becoming a chuunin at age 12, having the Fifth Hokage take an inordinate liking to you and you deciding that if getting stronger meant you could save your friends, then it was worth it…_

_Oh yeah…_and that was how he wound up here, in an office two doors down from Tsunade's, three secretaries at his beck and call and a green jounin vest hanging over the back of his chair (the scroll pockets were too bulky to wear it all the time), all at the tender age of nineteen.

_And I haven't slept in a day or two…damn Hidden Mist nin, poking their nose into Leaf business, that's the third case this week. _

Shikamaru yawned, then relaxed back into his chair with a slump. The pain behind his eyes had lessened to a degree and he felt ready to tackle Naruto's mistake ridden scribbles again.

He began to read, unaware that he was slowly, almost imperceptibly hunching closer and closer to the page, his narrow brown eyes squinting further and further into slits.

_So Sasuke- bastard showed up and started making himself useful (even though I already took out most of them) and I caught this one guy in a genjutsu so we could bring him back for questioning. Then the leader did this teleport and suddenly popped up right next to the daimyo's bag and went to grab it, but of course Uzumaki Naruto never heaves his laces unzovered, so hairgel a surprise when the frog threw up on his dress and that took care of him…_

Shikamaru blinked once, twice, then shook his head violently.

_I did NOT just read that…did I? What the hell? Laces? Frog? Dress? Has Naruto been drinking expired milk again?_

Blinking one more time, Shikamaru unconciously brought the page even closer to his face and concentrated fiercely, eyes now slits. The characters stopped swaying and thankfully snapped into focus. He re-read the sentence.

…_but of course Uzumaki Naruto never leaves his bases uncovered, so the guy got a surprise when the bag blew up in his face and that took care of him…_

Ok, THAT made more sense. Still completely inappropriate for an A class mission report which could have extreme political ramifications, but at least he could be assured that Naruto was not experimenting with crack-flavoured ramen…

Shikamaru winced at the onslaught of pain that throbbed at his eye sockets.

_What is wrong with me?_

He rubbed futilely at his head for a few moments, then, in an uncharacteristic display of energy, flung the page down on his desk, and tossed a paperweight on top.

"No more for tonight guys," he yawned. "I've got a bed that I haven't seen in a few days and she's calling me home. She'll be mad if I get home at…" Trailing off, he looked at the clock hanging on the opposite wall and frowned. All he could make out was the round circle of the white face against the pale blue of the wall.

About to turn on the overhead light for greater visibility, Shikamaru stopped when he realized that the light _was_ on. His frown deepened as he took a few steps forward, keeping his eyes fixed on the clock face.

Magic! The thin dark shapes of the clock hands suddenly popped into view. The time was 2:30 am. He retreated and, just as magically, the clock hands faded in an instant and the a soft haze laid itself over the the pale circle of the dial.

Back. Forward. Fuzzy. Clear. The headaches and throbbing eyes. The endless hours of reading reports, coupled with late nights. The fact that his three brunette secretaries all seemed to look the same from a distance, and that even faces as hard and angular as Naruto and Sasuke's had looked soft and fuzzy this afternoon.

It all pointed to one thing…

Shikamaru sighed as he locked the door to his office and walked down the deserted hallway. _First thing tomorrow, go to the optometrist…how troublesome…_

AN: Little does our favourite shadow user know, things are going to get MUCH more troublesome. I decided to reload this story because I was so upset at how crappy it showed upthe first time - so many mistakes and words run together…it was awful. I hope this fixes it.


	2. Contacts or Glasses?

Thankyou so much to my three lovely reviewers who I love with all my heart.

UE: to you, the perky voice of fangirl/boying, thankyou for your beautiful review which brightened my day, inflated my ego and made me feel ready to tackle this chapter. And don't worry, shikamaru will most definitely be wearing glasses, not contacts. This is the first time that someone has said a fic of mine rulz (I think)!

Tami: to you, the calm voice of constructive criticism, thankyou for sparing my fragile feelings by merely stating that the chapter was not action-packed. I cringe to say that probably this chapter will not be either…but please stick around. And ARGH for the proof-reading. I swear that all those words weren't like that when I read it. Please believe me, please?

And finally to flare2: to you, the kindly passerby who spared an encouraging word for this fic, thankyou. Your review tipped the scales and made me believe that maybe that more than three people (including me) would be interested in reading this fic.

Hehehe, now that that's done…oh yeah, I don't own Naruto. If I did…(insert sleazy/humourous/plain freaky plan here).

**Contacts or Glasses?**

"Nara Shikamaru?"

Anyone else would have jerked upright at the sudden shattering of the peaceful waiting room silence by a rasping voice that bore resemblance to the sound of fingernails drawn sharply across a blackboard.

As it was, Shikamaru merely winced slightly, then dragged himself up off the scratched wooden surface of the bench on which he had been lying, oblivious to the disapproving stares of the sixty something year old women in the corner.

After all, (they muttered), you _would_ think that one of Konoha's most valuable jounin would have the decency to behave with _some_ dignity in public!

The owner of the screeching blackboard voice, a slim, leggy brunette with a face like a Barbie Doll, glanced up at Shikamaru, then briefly consulted a clipboard in her left hand.

"Ah yes, you've come to have an eye test and possibly a prescription then?" she asked.

Shikamaru winced again. Damn this chick was pretty hot, but didn't receptionists usually have bright, perky voices? Way to break the mould…

"Yes that's right, I think I might be short-sighted…" he was cut off as the girl interrupted him, her vocal chords scratching and seeming to shriek in protest to her words.

"Ok then, Haruno-sensei will see you now. Follow me please."

And with that, she turned and walked briskly down the sterile beige corridor. Shikamaru followed her slowly, trying to get the images of fingernails and scarred blackboards out of his head. Fortunately, this exercise was helped by observation of her excessively long legs and swaying hips as he slouched along behind her.

They stopped at door at the end of the corridor and the banshee-voiced Barbie doll knocked lightly. A muffled "Come in" came from the other side and the receptionist stepped back, holding the door open for Shikamaru as he hurried inside before the banshee could torture him…whoops, could say anything else.

And there, sitting against one wall, was the most fiercesome-looking chair apparatus Shikamaru had ever seen.

_Kind of looks like a dentist chair, but one equipped for the purpose of drilling your head open and sucking out your brains…or maybe your eyes…_he thought, as his gaze shifted to the piece that overhung in front of the chair at face level.

_I don't want to put my face near that thing…man this is troublesome…_

A familiar voice brought to him attention, which in Shikamaru's case meant that he lazily turned his head just enough to bring the speaker into his line of vision, while keeping his eyes half shut.

"Hey, Shikamaru, how've you been," came the perky voice of one Haruno Sakura, highly respected medic nin and capable kunoichi.

Over the last few years Sakura had matured and improved her medical skills, grown into her over-sized forehead, and now broke young masculine shinobi hearts with a delicately featured face of surpassing beauty, framed by glossy pink locks that set off her clear green eyes.

Unfortunately for Shikamaru, all he could make out at the moment was a rather pale, skin coloured oval, surrounded by pink and set with two more bright green ovals, below which hovered a pair of pink lips of an indistinct shape.

"Not bad," he said, moving surreptitiously closer to her and squinting hard. It was _really_ annoying being unable to read her facial expressions clearly. "What on earth are you doing here? You're practically at Tsunade's level. Wouldn't you be needed for more urgent cases?"

Sakura smiled at the inadvertant compliment and, taking the lazy jounin's arm, led him to the fiercesome brain-sucking chair of doom and pushed him to sit down.

"I only got back recently from a mission. It was pretty gruelling. Tsunade-sensei thought I should have a temporary break. Plus, I thought it would be interesting to see how my skills are with healing normal civilians as well as shinobi. After all, though it's hard to remember somtimes, Konoha isn't just about people like _us_, is it?"

Shikamaru looked/squinted at Sakura/the fuzzy blur with some respect. It was true; many shinobi _did _tend to forget about the everyday civilians who worked in the background, completing the menial and not-so-menial ordinaary tasks, keeping Konoha functioning normally.

He couldn't remember last time he had thought about civilians that way, rather than as faceless people who usually got in the way of missions or the old man at Ichiraku who, according to Naruto, should be revered as a demi-god because of his ramen-making powers.

_Then again, everyone is looking pretty faceless and fuzzy at the moment…my eyes feel like they're getting worse…argh…but speaking of civilians…_

"Hey Sakura, that's a pretty hot receptionist out there, shame about her voice though," he commented absently, feeling uncomfortable as Sakura fiddled and adjusted the peculiar contraption resembling spectacles that she had placed on his nose.

She stopped in mid-fiddle and stared at him. "Huh? Hot receptionist? You don't mean _Sachie_?" Concern in her face struggled with the smirk that tugged at her shapely lips. It was a losing battle.

"Hmm, I think that's a sign we better get to checking these eyes of yours, Shikamaru sweetie." An audible chuckle escaped her.

_What does she mean by that?_ The jounin wondered (AN: yep, you guessed it) _lazily_.

For the next twenty minutes, Shikamaru stared at the chart on the opposite wall, trying toidentify letters and symbols, distinguish which colours seemed brighter and answering Sakura's questions as she slipped lenses of different strengths into the peculiar frames clamped to his face.

At last Sakura rose from the stool on which she had perched and spent a few minutes looking over the notes she had scribbled, smirking.

"Congratulations, Shikamaru, you're only half blind." The smirk dropped into a scowl as she stared at her patient in the seat.

He was fast asleep.

"Typical Shikamaru," she muttered to herself. She had been just about to have some fun taunting him about having the eyesight of a 55 year old, but oh well. Other people would do it for her. The sight of Shikamaru in glasses would be _too_ funny.

Sakura giggled at the thought of the lazy shadow user in round steel-rimmed glasses like Yakushi Kabuto, the light reflecting off them in a sinister fashion as Shikamaru snored under a tree or sat playing a game of go with Asuma.

She snickered even louder at the thought of him wearing large horn-rimmed glasses like a ninja she had seen at the chuunin exams, or little old lady pince nez while battling S class criminals.

_He might even pick up that annoying habit of pushing up his glasses all the time. How funny would it be if he did that while holding someone in the Kagemane no Jutsu? _At that thought, Sakura clutched her stomach and laughed freely.

_Unless…he picks contact lenses instead of glasses…_Sakura's face dropped, then brightened. _He won't if I tell him how much maintenance and _troublesome_ work they require…_

She glanced back at the snoring jounin on the chair. _Now, what did Ino always say was the best way too wake him up quickly? Oh yeah, continued and repetitive beatings accompanied by incessant screeching... _

Strong men in the waiting room turned pale and mothers covered their children's ears at the sounds that could be heard from the consulting room. Even Sachie (AN: the "scraping-blackboard-with-fingernails" voiced receptionist) began to look disturbed.

A particularly piercing screech caused three young chuunin to flee the room, babbling that they must have mistakenly entered the ANBU interrogation department. Then, there was silence.

"Alright, alright, I'm awake…you didn't have to scream the place down…troublesome…"

Glad to see that he was finally awake, Sakura cleared her throat and looked down at Shikamaru's mangled form on the ground.

"Now, I have already explained exactly what is wrong with your eyes, but you slept through all that, and I am NOT going to repeat myself, so just leave everything to me and answer one question." He blinked up at her, body aching and ears still ringing from her "wake up call".

"What?"

"Contacts or glasses?"

"Which one is more troublesome?" he asked, closing his eyes again, missing the smirk that tilted up the corners of the medic's pink lips, lending her a frightening resemblance to a certain Sharingan-wielding bishounen.

"_Definitely_ contacts. They can cause eye infections if not rinsed twice daily, they are expensive to replace, they can cause horrific damage to-" she was cut off in mid-sentence by a half hearted flap of the shadow user's hand, which could be interpreted as a gesture of consent.

"Whatever. Glasses are good. Whatever is less troublesome," Nara Shikamaru said, before letting his hand flop back down and shifting on the floor so as to be able to see the clouds out the window of the consulting room.

Sakura grinned. _Shikamaru in glasses._ She could hardly wait. _This will be the best laugh…_

AN: Ok, so how was that? Not too bad? Ok, I SWEAR next chapter will have shikamaru in glasses…then the fun begins…(evil grin). Please review. I love encouraging one liners!

Felt better about this chapter, probably coz I didn't write it at 2am like I did the last one…argh. Still in Korea. Can't wait to get back home and catch up on all the naruto episodes I've missed!

I'm drawing on my own experience as a short-sighted person who had glasses and now wears contacts and who has visited the optometrist (my uncle!) to write this. And if you think Sakura's comment about being half blind was weird, that's what my uncle says to people (he's brutally honest and a LITTLE off centre…). Anyway…


	3. Glasses

thankyou to the lovely people who reviewed; you inspire me! this chapter is for all of you. i have chapter 4 about 1/4 written, but uni is crazy atm, so...

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, but if I did, Shikamaru would be known as the Konoha's Shirtless Shadow User...XD

**Glasses**

The receptionist with the grating voice and the fantastic legs looked up from the computer monitor into a pair of narrowed brown eyes.

"Yes? Do you have an appointment, Nara-san?"

Shikamaru winced slightly. Her voice had not improved since his appointment one week ago. When the chills had finished raking up his spine and making his ponytail quiver, he gathered courage and squinted down at her.

"Er, no I don't, but Sakura, I mean, Haruno-sensei said it would only take a minute to pick up my glasses, so I could come in her tea break."

The pretty Barbie doll face looked at him doubtfully, knowing how sacred the pink-haired kunoichi's break time was to her, but the green jounin vest the lazy man sported seemed to reassure her.

She stood up and silently (to Shikamaru's relief) led him down the hallway and knocked at a familiar door, then opened it and stood back to allow him entry.

When the pony-tailed jounin appeared, Sakura was on the phone, occupied with the tail-end of what was evidently a highly entertaining conversation.

"I know, I know, it's gonna be a hoot!" she snickered into the phone, her back to Shikamaru. "What? Get a photo? Don't be stupid, you can get one yourself! No…well, I picked them actually…oh don't worry, you're gonna love it! Ok, look, I gotta go ok," glancing up at Shikamaru, "Yeah, I'll see you later, ok Ino, see ya."

Shikamaru raised an eyebrow as the pink-haired medic gave him a dazzling smile.

_What's she so happy about? She and Ino are way more troublesome when they're friends…I wonder what they're cooking up now…_

"Sorry about that," Sakura gestured him to a chair, "Ino was just…,"

"It's ok," the shadow user said, gratefully flopping down into leather comfort.

Sakura nodded and turned to a small box on her desk, hiding a smile. _Man, it's too easy to hide things from Shika, he's too lazy to ever try to find out anything. _

"Well, I have your prescription here, Shikamaru. Since you were too _lazy_ to pick out a design for your own frames, I had to choose one for you. I think you'll be happy with these."

She turned, fighting down giggles and held out a simple brown leather glasses case towards him. Without much interest apparent in his face or posture, Shikamaru took it from her and opened the case without ceremony, gazing down at the contents.

Sakura watched him, becoming impatient as he simply continued to look, with a peculiar expression increasing in intensity on his face.

"Well? Don't you like them? I chose them after a careful analysis of your facial features and personality factors in order to get a pair that would match you perfectly!"

An adorable pout began to form on the kunoichi's pink, shapely lips. Shikamaru's face twisted slightly as he picked up the glasses in one hand and held them up for her inspection.

A pair of huge, bright orange cat's eye spectacles dangled from his grasp.

"Sakura? Kindly tell me what the hell is this?" His eyebrow was beginning to twitch.

"What are you talking about?" The medic's clear green eyes shone innocently down on him with a look that could have melted Uchiha Itachi into a puddle of besotted goo.

"'What am I talking about?' All I need is a gold glasses chain and I can be calling the bingo numbers at the next Konoha Senior Citizens' Potluck Night, with people calling me BEV!" he felt like screaming the last few words, but couldn't be bothered.

"Shikamaru, I'm so sorry, I thought you would like them." The pink lips were trembling and the green eyes could have made Orochimaru go "Awwww!"

"Anyway, Sakura," Shikamaru's eyes were squeezed shut, to shield himself from the eye damaging fashion crime in his palm and the soul-sucking look on the kunoichi's pretty face, "You've had your fun and I even bothered to play along. Can I have my REAL glasses now?"

The pink-haired medic burst out laughing, clutching her stomach, while the lazy shadow-user rolled his eyes (which were still shut) and tossed the orange monstrosities onto her desk.

"Shikamaru!" Sakura gasped through her laughter, wiping her eyes, "How did you know?"

"Simple. The thickness of those lenses indicated that those glasses are to be used by a long-sighted person. I'm short-sighted. Also, you measured the width of my face last week so my glasses would be the right size and anyone would be able to tell at a glance that those glasses are meant for someone with a much wider face than mine."

He shrugged.

Sakura grinned to herself, impressed. _Amazing, and I thought he wouldn't have known enough about optometry to pick up that about the lenses differences. Just shows, he isn't called a genius for nothing._

"I'm sorry, Shikamaru, I just thought it would be good for a laugh. Here are your real glasses."

Fighting down another wave of giggles, she handed him a different case produced from her coat pocket; small, slimline, of black leather, which could be fitted into the scroll case of a jounin vest and even included little fastenings on the back, enabling it to be attached to a kunai pouch for extra convenience.

Opening his eyes, Shikamaru lifted the lid and gazed at his new glasses. _Hmm, they look alright, not fancy, but not boring. They look…simple…efficient…professional…_

"Yeah, they look good. I like them. Thanks a lot Sakura."

He looked up at the kunoichi. She was standing over him, arms folded and a very pointed look on her face as she stared first at the glasses, then at him, then at the glasses again. Shikamaru sighed. He didn't even have to ask.

"Ok, fine, I'll put them on. Might as well get used to them from the beginning."

Unfolding the small, sleek, stainless steel framed glasses, the shadow user lifted them to his face. Sakura watched with bated breath.

The moment of truth was finally here.

_Shikamaru plus glasses equals...?_

The pink-haired medic had been sorely tempted to leave him with the orange cat's eye frames and be done with it. Knowing Shikamaru, he would have been too lazy to bother getting another pair.

But as much as Inner Sakura had wanted to laugh herself stupid at the image of the pony-tailed jounin calling bingo numbers with a bad perm and flowered dress at the Konoha Community Hall, Outer Sakura couldn't bring herself to disgrace her friend THAT much.

Ino had voted for a pair of large black horn rims, saying that Shikamaru behaved like an eighty year old anyway, so why not go with it.

Tenten had said that with small, round rimmed prescription sunglasses, the shadow user could form a BeeGees' tribute band with Shino and Ebisu, while Tsunade had begged her to include a gold eyeglasses chain, in memory of that old lady who had tried to get her to come to the Konoha Senior Citizens' Potluck Night.

It was actually Naruto who had chosen the orange cat's eyes, but only after Sakura had promised he could keep them if the lazy genius turned them down.

(After which, Sasuke had privately extracted a promise from her that the glasses would be destroyed immediately and that Naruto would _never_ wear them. "I'm trying to steer him _away_ from orange," the black-haired jounin had said to her desperately.)

"So," Shikamaru dropped his hands onto the chair's armrests and looked up at the pink-haired medic with a bored expression. "What do you think?"

Snapping out of her thoughts, Sakura looked at him.

The look turned into a stare.

The stare became a gawk.

The gawk gave way to outright ogling.

The lazy shadow-user stared back at her, a small line of annoyance forming between his eyebrows.

"Well, fine, if they look that bad, you don't have to say anything, but can you make the staring a LITTLE less obvious? Man, how troublesome…" he muttered.

"Take me…" Sakura interrupted throatily, her voice quivering with desire.

Shikamaru jumped violently.

"_What?_"

_I did _not _just hear that…did I?_

Jade green eyes blinked once, then twice.

_I did _not _just say that…oh kami, I did._

The pony-tailed jounin stared up at her, brown eyes wide in consternation, as porcelain-smooth white cheeks flushed as pink as cherry blossoms.

"Errr, I-I mean **take…**this…er…this **cloth** with you, for free, to clean your glasses with!" Sakura shoved the folded cloth into his hands, then yanked the surprised ninja to his feet and began to push him out the door, babbling feverishly.

"And don't forget to polish them whenever they get dirty, or else you won't be able to see well and that'll just defeat the whole purpose of getting glasses to begin with, won't it? Hahaha…and don't sit on them or anything, can't have you coming back here and needing a new pair in five minutes, can we? Ahahahah…"

Still laughing nervously, Sakura shoved Shikamaru out the door and slammed it firmly behind him, then fell back, leaning against the door, hands pressed to her flaming pink cheeks.

"Sakura! What the hell?" his annoyed and bewildered voice reached her clearly through the wood.

"I'm on my coffee break! Leave me alone! I'll see you later!" she shouted rather disjointedly, not moving from her position against the door.

Silence.

Then Sakura, pressing her ear to the wood, heard footsteps shuffling down the hall in the direction of the waiting room, accompanied by a faint "Troublesome…"

Green eyes slightly unfocused, the kunoichi walked back to her desk and almost fell back into her chair, arms hanging limply over the armrests, head tilted back to stare at the speckled cream ceiling.

She was not looking at the ceiling, but an image.

The image burned into her brain; a sharp-featured, sun-darkened face with narrow brown eyes, gazing up at her from behind sleek, glinting silver spectacles.

The way the frames rested lightly on smooth, angular cheekbones, how chocolate brown irises were neatly bisected by a line of silver, flashing and dazzling.

The sidepieces curled snugly over shapely, curving ears (such nice ears!), setting off the silver rings that hung from firm, delicious-looking ear lobes (and since when had she had an ear fetish!).

She could remember every detail.

But it was more than just physical. Shikamaru was a genius, everyone knew that, but now, he _looked_ like one.

And suddenly Sakura realized that she liked the genius type. Especially geniuses who looked so…_cool_.

She grimaced to herself. Ok, poor choice of words.

How about…_powerful…calm…collected, with a scowl that sent shivers down your spine as the light reflected off polished glass, hiding his eyes, hiding his thoughts, hiding his burning passion until he swept her into his arms and fiercely…_

The pink-haired 19 year old groaned and flopped forward, propping her elbows on her desk. She had more patients to see in a few minutes, but she had a feeling she wouldn't be able to give them her undivided attention.

Not with images of a tall, dark, newly bespectacled and inexplicably attractive shadow-user running rampant in her head. Sakura groaned again.

_At least my question was answered, _she thought ruefully, _Nara Shikamaru plus glasses equals…_

_AN: equals what indeed? XD_


	4. A Second Opinion

Thankyou again to the lovely people who have reviewed. And many thanks to Manatheron, who deigned to not only look upon, but also review my weird sasuke POV drabble. That made me really happy.

And Authoress Pendragon: As if i could EVER belittle our beloved Shikamaru-sama in ANY way...of COURSE I was gonna make him a hottie! xD

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. But if i ever get near Shikamaru...xD

**  
A Second Opinion**

"Rapeable…" breathed Temari.

Ino, Sakura, Tenten and Hinata all looked at her in astonishment. Surely one didn't say things like that out _loud_?

Especially in such a public place as Ichiraku Ramen, where half of Konoha's younger generation liked to gather for miso ramen at 3pm on a Wednesday afternoon. And with a clear, piercing voice such as Temari's, _anyone_ could have heard her comment, brief as it was.

Still, it took a few minutes before the brash sand nin dragged her eyes back to her companions, only to stop short at the looks on their faces.

"What?" she asked, not at all embarrassed, "Isn't that what we're all thinking, shorn of the poetry and romance?"

"Well, yes actually," said Ino, only to receive a slap on the arm from Tenten.

"But he _is_ sitting right there. Could you at least not stare so _obviously_?" Sakura shrieked in a whisper, which is quite a tricky thing to do when you think about it.

"Oh please," Temari rolled her eyes. "Look who he's sitting with, he won't have the time to eat, let alone check for who's stalking him."

All eyes turned to the table in the opposite corner of the Ramen stand, which had in recent years been converted into a full-fledged restaurant, with air-conditioning, cushioned seats and a wide range of caffeine-based beverages included on the menu.

There in the corner was Nara Shikamaru, object of scrutiny, flanked by Konoha's beautiful blue beast in the flesh and the number one loudest, hyperactive ninja in an orange tracksuit, both describing their latest mission together in detail, complete with fight re-enactments and colourful descriptions at top volume, accompanied by various poses from Lee.

Ordinarily, Shikamaru would have been looking simply bored, but combined with sleek, silver, angular half-moon spectacles, his somnolent posture _was inexplicably transformed into an aura that somehow encompassed magnetic aloofness, superiority and downright smouldering sexuality…_

Tenten mentally slapped herself. What was she thinking? It must have been too long since she had last seen Neji. Neji didn't wear glasses.

_How would Neji look with glasses? _

_Glasses and a spiky ponytail…and a sharp, chiselled nose, long flexible mouth, smouldering dark eyes…_

At this point Tenten lost her coherent train of thought and sat, staring into space, cream dripping unheeded from her spoon onto the table. Hinata surreptitiously slid a napkin over the spot.

Temari and Ino, both with eerily similar predatory grins unconsciously forming on their faces, ran their eyes shamelessly over the shadow-user as he sat, muscular tanned arms folded, blinking drowsily behind his glinting silver frames, drifting off to sleep despite the commotion caused by his two companions.

Sakura watched her two blonde friends with a sense of trepidation. Ino and Temari had both already gone through most of the eligible young shinobi in Konohagakure and Sunagakure respectively and were notorious for their man-eating abilities.

While the pink-haired medic had respect for the lazy genius' intelligence and tact, she seriously wondered if even his skills could handle two wily kunoichi, both intent on adding his name to her list of conquests.

Her jade green eyes shifted from the two predators to the shy girl sitting next to an oddly spaced-out looking Tenten.

"So Hinata," she said, "How do _you_ think he looks?"

The answer would be interesting. It was common knowledge that since their academy days, the Hyuuga heiress had been smitten by one Uzumaki Naruto, measuring all other men against the blonde baka. And to the dismay of Hinata's family and the disappointment of more than one young shinobi, no other could come close to matching Naruto's glowing standards.

Hinata turned her pearly gaze from the study of her crush as, with Lee's full cooperation, he re-enacted a Rasengan attack, while Shikamaru yawned.

"Well, Shikamaru-san looks very…different…very interesting and, I think those angular half frames really, ano, compliment his features…he looks…very serious, but…rather…att-att-attractive…" the pale girl blushed furiously, feeling almost guilty at her words of praise of a man other than the hyperactive blonde jounin of her dreams.

An incredulous grin spread over Sakura's face, and Ino slapped Hinata heartily on the back.

"Wow, if Shika's new look can even get past Byakugan girl's ramen haze, no one's safe!"

Hinata blushed even more and hastily excused herself to go to the bathroom.

Temari, Ino and Sakura were then surprised when Tenten suddenly rose to her feet.

"Er, yeah, thanks for showing me Shikamaru's new look, Sakura," she said, "But, I really think I need to go training. I've got to be ready to challenge Neji when he gets back from his mission."

"Are you serious? Do you think you could beat him?" Temari asked, raising an eyebrow.

"She means challenge him to a date." Ino clarified with a chuckle, "Neji and Tenten practically speak their own language."

Temari rolled her eyes. _These Konoha nin…crazy…_her eyes shifted back to the pony-tailed ninja in the corner. _But damn fine…_

"So yeah, I better head off, to train, to be ready to see Shik-uh-Neji," Tenten corrected herself somewhat less than smoothly and more than noticeably.

"Shik-uh-Neji?" a wicked grin spread across Ino's face. "I didn't know they came in combo form."

Tenten whipped around, ignoring her blonde friend and headed towards the door, only to be stopped by the waitress.

"Excuse me miss, it is not permitted to remove cutlery from the restaurant."

Tenten's mouth fell open as she looked at the teaspoon still clutched in her fist. Temari, Ino and Sakura burst out laughing.

"You'll have to forgive her," said the pink-haired medic to the suspicious waitress, "She's a little _distracted_ at the moment."

The three girls ducked as the spoon flashed through the air, to be embedded handle-first in the plaster wall just above Sakura's head. Tenten then hurried out of the entrance before further embarrassments could occur.

"We'll call you," yelled Temari, as Ino and Sakura were laughing too hard to speak clearly.

"Seriously, though forehead-girl," Ino spoke after a few minutes, wiping her eyes, "How _good_ does he look? It even got through to Hinata and Tenten! That's pretty impressive."

Temari shrugged at this comment. "I've always thought he was pretty sexy actually. Was planning on doing something about it sooner or later. And now," her eyes shifted to Ino, "I think I better do something sooner…"

"Yeah! Before I get to him!"

Ino punched the air, face hardened with determination. Temari's stormy blue eyes narrowed.

"Then may the best woman win," the sand kunoichi gave a feral smile.

"You can count me in on that!" A familiar voice sent a shock through the three girls, who whipped around to face the woman who had been seated out of sight in the next booth, now stepping out in front of their table.

"Anko-sempai? What are you doing here?" Sakura boggled at the special jounin, who gave her a toothy grin in response.

"I brought her to see Shikamaru's new look of course," said another voice disturbingly familiar to the pink-haired kunoichi.

"Shizune-sempai!"

The black haired woman popped her head up beside Anko's, running a hand through her short black locks.

"How on earth did you two find out about this?" Temari burst out, her brow furrowing as she looked from one to another.

Shizune winked at Sakura. "Sachie your secretary told me about the amazing transformation of a certain lazy jounin we all know and love, so I thought I wouldn't mind checking it out for myself. Anko was also curious, and even though Kurenai tried to get out of it at first…"

"Kurenai-sensei?" Ino nearly screamed, "She's here too?"

"She will be in a sec," said Anko, still grinning and chewing on a dango stick, "She just went to the bathroom."

At that, a soft voice interrupted.

"Everyone, look who I found!"

The five women looked up and there stood Hinata, smiling brightly, with Kurenai beside her, looking decidedly sheepish.

Ino chuckled.

"Hey Hinata, has Kurenai-sensei told you why she's here?"

Kurenai blushed furiously and hurried to the table, dragging Hinata with her.

"Yamanaka, you breathe one word of this to Asuma and I'll, I'll," the red-eyed woman clenched her fist under Ino's nose. The blonde smiled coolly at her former sensei's girlfriend and pushed her fist back with one finger.

"As long as you stay out of this competition, Kurenai-sensei, my lips are sealed."

"But mine aren't," Anko cackled at the look on Kurenai's face.

"Of course I wouldn't do anything, I'm with Asuma!" the black-haired jounin exclaimed.

"But if you weren't…" Shizune nudged her friend suggestively.

Kurenai sighed. "If I wasn't, boy, would I like to just go over there and get –"

"Kurenai-sensei!" The shocked look on Hinata's face sent the others into fits of giggles.

The older kunoichi sighed, shaking out her wavy black hair. "But, since I _am_ with Asuma, I better head off, we're meeting up in a few –"her voice was drowned out by the piercing yell of a certain blonde Kyuubi container.

The shout rang out in the restaurant and all heads turned to the table where just five minutes ago, the lazy prodigy of the Nara clan had been trying to catch a little shut-eye.

"HEY LADY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO SHIKAMARU?"

_  
AN: and the fun begins...XD _


	5. Side Effects

**AN: Thankyou to everyone for the lovely, encouraging and often amusing reviews. love you all! XD sorry this chapter took so long, i'm working on another fic, as well as uni and stuff blah blah...ANYway...i've started on the next chapter...enjoy!**

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, if I did...I'd get a refund and ask for ITACHI! XD

**Side Effects**

"HEY LADY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO SHIKAMARU?"

Shikamaru heard Naruto's yell dimly through the sound of blood pounding in his ears and his lungs screaming for oxygen. He tried to move, but found himself apparently paralysed, limbs frozen in place, his limp hands incapable of twitching, let alone forming seals.

_Crap, what the hell kind of paralysing jutsu is this? Not good._

The shadow-user opened his eyes, but to no avail. All he could see was a flesh-coloured blur inches away from his own face. He was still unable to breathe and began to panic as black spots started appearing in his vision.

He needed a plan.

_Ok, think, think! What was happening before I was paralyzed? Naruto was acting out his Rasengan attack, Lee was pretending to crash into the next table, then everything started to go black – ok fine, I started to fall asleep – and then I heard some chick's voice saying something about a hot guy and then – _

Another, less panicked part of the lazy nin's brain interrupted with a snort.

_Paralyzing jutsu? More like KISSING JUTSU…_

Shikamaru's eyes flew open as air suddenly rushed back into his lungs with a gasp. Feeling started to come back into his body while the world spun dizzily around him. He felt stunned and disorientated, trying to make sense of what had happened, trying to remember that last thing his brain had yelled out before he had regained the ability to breathe.

Suddenly a painful throbbing in his lips immediately drew his attention to his mouth; cautiously, the pony-tailed ninja brought a hand up to touch them tentatively, his fingers coming away sticky with…

BLOOD?

Er…no, not blood.

Not blood at all.

Blood was not pink.

Nor was it gooey and shiny, and sprinkled with silver reflective particles. And Shikamaru was fairly sure he had never come across pink, gooey, shiny, glitter-filled blood that also smelled like strawberry flavouring.

A giggle shattered his concentration.

Startled, his head whipped up, bringing him face to face with a girl, whose lips were heavily smeared with the same pink, gooey, shiny, glittery stuff currently on his fingers.

And on his lips.

The girl smiled wickedly, tossing her long black braid over one shoulder as she eyed the gaping jounin.

"Seems like you liked my lip gloss, sexy. It's called _Cherry Madness_, and I hear it tastes even better the second time 'round."

Shikamaru boggled at her, brain on hold for the first time in his life, unwilling to make the connection between the momentary paralysis, the throbbing in his gloss-coated lips and the girl's words.

A stray question drifted through his chaotic thoughts. _Did she call me SEXY?_

Even when the girl took hold of the collar of his vest and pulled his face close to hers, purring, "Shall we then?" the stunned jounin found himself unable to think, speak or move as the girl's lips, in slow motion, lowered towards his own.

The intended ravaging of the shadow-user's lips was abruptly halted by a hoarse scream from the other side of the room that again caused all heads to swivel in that direction.

"DAI KAMAITACHI NO JUTSU!"

All eyes, Shikamaru's and the girl's included, were now glued on a certain blonde desert lily of the Hidden Sand Village, well known for her beauty and dangerous relatives, but most of all, for the damage which she could wreak using her over-sized fan combined with the words she had just screamed.

Customers and Ichiraku staff alike were openly looking for a place to run from the slicing wind jutsu which could decimate forests, when everyone simultaneously realized that there were no breezes stirring apart from the air-con, and the desert lily herself was standing frozen in front of her table, a very peculiar expression on her face.

Cheeks darkening to a beetroot hue, Temari stabbed a finger savagely at the black-haired girl who was still grasping Shikamaru's collar.

"YOU! Are DAMN lucky I left my fan at home!"

She mumbled the last few words and dropped back into her seat, hiding her flaming face behind a menu.

After this confusing moment, everyone was about to emerge from under their tables, when Ino, snapping out of her daze, leapt to her feet.

"I don't need a fan for _this_!" Ino shouted, arms outstretched, fingers poised in the shape of her family's mind-switching jutsu.

"I'm gonna make that little tramp jump in the river," the blonde muttered. "Ninpou: Shintenshin no jutsu!"

Stirred by the sight of the ominously familiar seals, Shikamaru's brain jolted back into gear.

_This is quite possibly the most troublesome situation not related to a mission I have ever had…apart from escaping from my jounin promotion celebration when they tried to shave me…and Ino's about to make things a _lot_ more troublesome…_

Knowing how the jutsu worked and the approximate time elapsed between the release of chakra and the possession of the opponent's mind, the lazy jounin made a snap decision.

_I don't need a fan for this move, or even seals. No chakra or energy expenditure required, therefore perfect._

Wrapping his arms around the surprised girl still gripping his collar, the lazy jounin simply swivelled 90 degrees right then fell back onto the bench, pulling the girl down on top of him, thereby avoiding Ino's jutsu, which, as he knew, could only travel in a straight line.

Thereby leaving him lying flat on a bench with a strange girl on top of him, clasped in his arms, fingers digging into his vest and shiny pink lips pressed firmly against his.

_And here we are again,_ said his brain sarcastically, _Bravo, I thought you were actually trying to _prevent_ this happening again?_

He could feel a dangerous aura approaching, no, two. _Oh crap…_

Abruptly, his lips were released and the warm weight on top of him disappeared, accompanied by a squeal of pain and outrage.

The as yet un-named girl twisted around to face the owners of the hands clutching her long black braid, by which she had been unceremoniously yanked from her position on top of the pony-tailed jounin

She looked about sixteen or seventeen years old, wearing a tight khaki tank top coupled with a black split miniskirt and mesh leggings, which showed off her generous curves. Her forehead protector was loosely knotted around her neck, much like Hinata's. On her face was an expression that could have made Akamaru on soldier pills scuttle back into his kennel.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"HEY! That's OUR line!" The owners of the hands released her hair abruptly, then stood side by side, two pairs of blue eyes blazing.

"Ok, start talking and this better be good," Ino started, hands on hips, leaning forward menacingly, "Who the hell are you and WHY were you kissing my team mate?"

The girl's black eyes narrowed. She seemed about to make a snappy response, when the look on Temari's face changed her mind.

"My name is Okada Mizuki."

There was a silence as the blondes racked their brains for any previous knowledge of this female before them. Nothing came up. They turned their attention back to the girl.

"And?" Temari growled, "You haven't answered the other question. WHY did you kiss him?"

Mizuki's lips curved into a wicked smirk; her black eyes sparkled with mischief.

"It was for a dare," she said.

"A DARE?"

The three girls turned to see Shizune and Kurenai approaching from the table, leaving Hinata and Sakura still sitting, waiting for the outcome of the confrontation.

Lee and Naruto meanwhile were bombarding their lazy comrade with questions and offers of a stiff drink.

Temari folded her arms beneath her generous bust and eyed the girl disbelievingly. Ino raised an eyebrow, hands on hips.

"I don't believe it," the pony-tailed blonde said.

"I agree," said Kurenai, "What kind of dare could possibly result in you kissing Shikamaru-kun in the middle of Ichiraku Ramen?"

"What kind of dare was it?" asked Ino, "A dare to get a reaction out of him without using violence or jutsus?"

"Yeah," said Temari, "Or maybe a dare to snog the first guy you saw with a ponytail?"

"None of those," Mizuki grinned, "My friends dared me to walk into this restaurant and –"

A new voice interrupted her from behind, continuing her sentence.

"And kiss the hottest, sexiest, most droolworthy guy in the place."

Shikamaru was not the only one in the restaurant who nearly fell off his seat.

__

AN: Who said THAT? Seriously, even I don't know yet. XD Sorry about all these people magically popping up all over the place. Btw, howmany years older thanKonohamaru is Naruto? 3? 4? Anyone who can guess why I'm asking that gets a character named after them...


	6. Side Effects 2

_AN: Yay! I thought I wouldn't get this chapter ready for ages yet, but here it is. Hope you like it. Thankyou for all the wonderful reviews! And there were so many clever people who guessed why I asked that question last time, that I've decided not to use it in this chapter. I'm thinking of using it later, when I can expand on it more._

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto...if I did, this would not be just a fanfic! XD

**Side Effects Part 2**

"And kiss the hottest, sexiest, most droolworthy guy in the place."

The speaker of these words, a tall blonde girl, approached to stand on Mizuki's right, followed by a voluptuous brunette, who walked up to flank her on the left.

"Looks like you picked a good one too." The blonde eyed Shikamaru up and down suggestively. "I love the look, it just screams cool and efficient, yet raging animal beneath the surface, don't you think?"

"Mizuki-chan, we saw what these girls did. Are you going to just let that slide?" asked the curvy brunette, scowling at Ino.

"Well, it would have been a bit rough, one against three, but now that you guys are here, we can take 'em," Mizuki smirked.

"You can 'take us?'" That angry question came, surprisingly, from Kurenai. Her red eyes flashed challengingly as she stepped forward. "Do you _know_ who you're talking to?"

"Some old hag who'll never see this side of thirty again," sneered the blonde, unwisely.

Kurenai's mouth fell open. Ino and Temari shifted into fighting stances.

"Ok, FIRST you come in and lip-rape my friend, THEN you bring in your little friends to insult my sensei's girlfriend, I'd shut my mouth before you put any more feet in it if I were you," growled the flower of the Yamanaka clan.

"Feet? No thanks, I think I'd prefer another taste of hotty over there," said Mizuki, glancing at Shikamaru.

"That's IT!" screeched Temari, lunging forward. Shikamaru was about to make use of his Shadow Bind to stop her, then decided against it when he saw Mizuki's blonde friend easily block the Sand kunoichi's attack, retaliating with a vicious yank on one of her spiky ponytails.

As Ino, Kurenai, the other blonde and the curvy brunette joined the fray, and Ichiraku Ramen was rapidly emptied of its remaining customers, the lazy jounin decided it was _really_ not worth getting involved and possibly killed in this mother-of-all catfights.

He languidly rolled off the bench and under the table as a chair came hurtling through the air and splintered into pieces against the wall. _I've said it before, and I'll say it again; women…are…troublesome…_

Ino hacked off Mizuki's long braid with a kunai, only to have her disappear in a puff of smoke and re-appear to dump a cold bowl of ramen down the blonde's shirt, while Temari was cursing a blue streak as she battled it out with the curvy brunette. Near the window, Kurenai was struggling underneath the blonde, who had her pinned to a table, a chocolate syrupy thickshake poised over her face.

Shikamaru was not certain, but he could have sworn he heard the click of a camera shutter and the perverted chuckling of a certain Legendary Sannin, followed by the words, "Chocolate syrup and wrestling kunoichis, this is GOLD!"

On the other side of the restaurant, Sakura was huddled under her table, arms wrapped protectively around Hinata, who was still shaken by the sight of her gentle, motherly genin sensei bitch-slapping a girl ten years younger, before throwing lukewarm coffee in her face.

Shizune was surveying the situation.

"It's always healthy to let these emotions out, girls, repression can be so dangerous, but this-," she winced at a particularly blistering curse from Temari, followed by a crash of glass, "-is going too far. I'll sneak out to the Hokage, maybe she can send some ANBU along to restrain them. Sakura, our medical skills might be needed later."

Sakura stared at her. "Shizune-sempai, you'd abandon us?"

"Don't worry Sakura-san, I'll protect you until I die!"

The pink-haired kunoichi jumped violently, bashing her head on the underneath of the table as Lee popped up beside her with Naruto close behind.

"Hey!" shouted the noisy Kyuubi container, "I'm the one who protects Sakura-chan! She was _my_ team-mate after all!"

"Naruto, Lee, don't be silly, Ino and Temari are my friends, I don't need protecting-Naruto! What are you holding?"

The blonde looked at her guiltily.

"Just some ramen I found left on a table on the way over here. It's not even been touched, really! It would have been a waste to just leave it," he quailed at the look on the pink-haired kunoichi's face, "And…I wasn't going to eat it anyway, it's…it's…it's for Hinata!"

The dark-haired girl's head shot up and she twisted around to face Naruto.

"Really, Naruto-kun? You got that ramen – for _me_?" Her huge pearly eyes glistened like pale moons reflected on dark waters. Her smooth ivory cheeks flushed the most delicate shade of pink. Adoration shone from her face like sunbeams.

Naruto blushed suddenly, blue eyes widening with a new thought, unable to take his eyes off the shy girl, as if seeing her for the first time.

"Er, yeah, yeah I did. It's for you, Hinata-chan." He offered the bowl to her and as she took it from him, their fingers met and held, each unable to let go.

Lee, Sakura and Shizune all exchanged knowing grins.

For a long, magical moment, the sounds of feminine screeching and breaking furniture died into the background as this most perfect, most meant to be, most 'we've been waiting so damn long it's ABOUT TIME', couple finally saw into each other's hearts, and found the love for which they each had been searching so long.

Tears abruptly streamed down Lee's cheeks as he enveloped Naruto into a crushing embrace which would have sent any self-respecting yaoi fanfic authoress running for her laptop.

"My beloved rival – I mean – my dear friend! At long last, you have recognized the love which we have all been waiting for you to acknowledge! The love which will brighten your days of youth and stoke the flames of your manhood. Hinata-san has been waiting so long for you, but now your love will be all the sweeter to enjoy in the springtime of your life! It gladdens my heart to see you now, so full of –"

"Lee?"

"Yes, Shizune-sempai?"

"Shut up," said the dark-haired woman firmly. He complied obediently, but Naruto was still struggling for breath. The Hokage's assistant then turned to her junior.

"Sakura?"

"Yes?"

"I'm going to get the ANBU. You kids just stay under the table and you should be fine." She paused. "By the way, where's Shikamaru?"

Lee and Naruto looked at each other for a moment, mirroring each other's puzzled frowns. Sakura felt like giving them each a Fiercesome Forehead Flick ™, but restrained herself, with difficulty. After all, Ino, Temari and Kurenai were causing enough damage to Ichiraku; she didn't want to level the place.

"Dunno, but you know how lazy he is," the blonde jounin shrugged, "He's probably where we left him, under our table."

The purple clad woman sighed. "Alright then. As long as he stays where he is, he should be fine too. I'll be back soon." With a blur, she was gone.

Sakura took a deep breath then exhaled slowly, shutting out the chaotic sounds around her, which included Naruto and Lee excitedly re-capping their mission for the tenth time, with Hinata as their replacement captive audience.

_Who knew that Shikamaru's new look could cause such chaos? I'll never look at Kurenai-sensei the same again after this. And it was a mistake to let Ino and Temari get a look at him. When you get people as wild as them, anything can happen. But at least I wasn't the one crazy enough to bring Anko – _

Her green eyes flew open; wide and staring.

"Anko!"

At the sound of her exclamation, Lee and Naruto broke off from their story-telling and looked at her.

"What is it, Sakura-san?"

"What did you say Sakura-chan?"

Hinata reached out and touched her pink-haired friend's arm gently.

"Wha-what about Anko-sempai, Sakura-chan?"

Sakura felt a sense of foreboding.

"Where _is_ she?"

There was silence, apart from a battle cry in Ino's voice and an ominous splash from the direction of the kitchen.

"She might still be in here, I'll see," Hinata said reassuringly, her hands already a blur of seal-forming. "Byakugan!" she whispered.

The three looked on in silence, waiting as the Hyuuga's pale eyes roved around the room.

"Nothing yet," she whispered, "She might not be in here after all, unless –" her eyes moved to the side of the room where Lee, Naruto and Shikamaru had originally been sitting. Her pale eyes widened and her sentence remained unfinished.

"Hinata-chan? What is it? Did you see her? Where is she?" Excited voices bombarded her with questions, but the shy girl remained silent, mouth agape, eyes wide and traumatized, her cheeks turning a deep red.

"She's –" Hinata's voice came out as a croak. She tried again. "She's with Shikamaru, under the table."

"How wonderful!" Lee exclaimed, "Anko-sensei is resuming her duties of protecting the weak and helpless! Doubtless she has gone to Shikamaru's aid and even now could be reviving our brilliant friend from his terrible experience –"

Naruto and Sakura were still looking at Hinata, who seemed to be trying to rub her eyeballs out of their sockets.

"Hinata-chan, are you ok?" The blonde's brow was creased with concern.

"What did you see?" asked Sakura, the terrible sense of foreboding increasing with each passing moment.

"I, I –" Hinata was almost choking, face beet red.

She never got beyond that however, as a strangled yelp came from the area where Shikamaru and the AWOL special jounin had been sighted.

At the sound of running footsteps, all four poked their heads out from under the table, just in time to see Konoha's laziest shinobi sprint past them, dive out the front window, trip, roll, then, in the face of the interested onlookers gathering, disappear in a puff of smoke.

Everything became abruptly quiet. Even the six battling kunoichi froze, still poised in their various positions.

It was Naruto who broke the silence, eyes narrowed and face scrunched in deep thinking mode.

"Hey, hey! Why was Shikamaru wearing a tablecloth, Sakura-chan? And what happened to his shirt? It was all ripped up!"

A lazy chuckle came from the other side of the room and all eyes turned to see Anko, sprawled under the table from where Shikamaru had just escaped.

The spiky-haired kunoichi was propped on one elbow, while her other hand was waving a pair of suspiciously familiar trousers, the loss of which Shikamaru was obviously mourning at this moment.

She chuckled again.

"He'll be back for these."

Ino, Temari and Kurenai simultaneously released Mizuki and her two cronies, eyes narrowing as they took in their new target.

It was perhaps fortunate for everyone concerned that Shizune chose that moment to appear, in an impressive cloud of smoke, with a squadron of ANBU at her back.

_AN: Poor Shikamaru…XD what DID happen under that table? _


	7. Visiting Hours

_AN: Here it is at last! Chapter 7. Hope you enjoy…no really, if you don't, please let me know and I'll try to do something about it for the future…_

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto…and you should all heave a sigh of relief that I don't.

**Visiting Hours**

It was a jittery and wild-eyed young jounin who sat at his desk a week after the Ichiraku incident, trying desperately to focus on the pile of paperwork on his desk.

His ponytail, the only part of his appearance with which he took any trouble, was crooked and chaotically tangled, and his hands shook like Asuma's after three hours without a cigarette.

All Nara Shikamaru could think of was when the next 'attack' would be, and what item of clothing he would lose this time.

Anko had taken his pants.

_Damnit, I liked those pants too._

She had tried to 'take' something else as well, but fortunately the effect of a pantless Shikamaru had rendered her immobile for a few precious seconds; just long enough to clutch the tablecloth around his waist and get the hell out of there.

A day later, Temari had ambushed him while dozing on a hill.

He had escaped when Ino and Tenten had appeared, breathing threats and fury at their blonde comrade, but had lost his sandals in the process. (Temari had dived for his legs, and, as he had been wearing a belt on this occasion, had settled for keeping a death grip on his feet.) When asked (from a safe distance) to return the shoes, she had given the pony-tailed jounin a cat-like smile and told him that they would be waiting for him under her bed.

Two days after that, Mizuki's friends had made an aborted attempt to 'attack' him, claiming that because the kissing bet had been their idea in the first place, it wasn't fair for Mizuki to have reaped the consequences alone. They had nearly had his shirt off, when Hinata and Kurenai had appeared. At the sight of the Byakugan and Kurenai's knuckle-cracking, the two girls had fled, but not before snatching the shadow-user's jacket.

Never in his life had Shikamaru been subjected to such harassment, and it was all happening too quickly to take in and analyse. He had no idea why, after a socially -deprived life in the shadows of such chick-magnets as Uchiha Sasuke or Inuzuka Kiba, he suddenly seemed to have become an object of lust to most of the female population of Konoha.

It had not just been the attacks; everywhere he had gone recently, similar incidents on a lesser scale had been occurring. Girls had been winking and smiling seductively in the supermarkets, kunoichis had been eyeing him suggestively in meetings, his secretaries had each in turn offered to work late with him, and he could have sworn he had caught his 60 year old neighbour peeping through his shower window last night.

The lazy shadow-user was currently in a very fragile state, so it was not surprising, perhaps, that when the door to his office flew open, he jumped violently, spilling coffee down his front and into his lap. The coffee had been freshly brewed and heated; Shikamaru yelped with agony as it boiled away on his skin, his attention distracted from the person standing in the doorway.

"Shikamaru! Are you ok?"

Sakura ran forward as he pushed his chair away from the desk, coming around to stand in front of him, her forehead creased with concern.

"Don't you people ever knock?" he gritted out, "Damnit, that really hurts!"

"I'm so sorry! I was in a hurry, and I didn't think-" she broke off as he winced, holding the wet, steaming shirt away from his skin.

"Here," she lifted his hands away gently, bending over him, "Let me have a look at it, burns shouldn't be left alone; it could be serious."

Shikamaru's eyes widened as her hands moved to the hem of the shirt. Her smooth fingers slipped underneath and gently began to tug the shirt upwards, baring his stomach.

He caught her hands, stopping her. Green eyes met his in puzzlement.

"Er…actually, I think I'm fine Sakura, I'll get some medicine for it later."

"Are you sure? I could just take a look at it here if you take off your shirt."

A week ago, Shikamaru might have whipped off his shirt without a fuss, but after the recent forcible attempts by various females to strip him, he had understandably developed a tenacious attachment to his garments.

He looked up at her. "Er…that's ok Sakura, don't worry, really."

A flicker of some unreadable emotion flashed across her face, quickly covered by the cool, professional gaze of a medic.

"Don't be ridiculous," the pink-haired girl said crisply, hands on hips, "I'm a healer and I know what's best for my patients. I can ease the pain and have you fixed in five minutes. Now stop being a baby and take it off!"

The pony-tailed jounin already had the shirt half-way over his head, muttering under his breath.

"Yare, yare, you're sounding exactly like Tsunade, Sakura. You've been spending too much time around her," he sighed, peeling the shirt off the length of his arms and dropping it on the floor next to his chair.

He did not notice the sudden hitch in the girl's breathing, or the slight flush that coloured her smooth alabaster cheeks as he straightened up, revealing his lean, finely-muscled torso and warm, lightly tanned skin.

After only a brief pause, Sakura cleared her throat slightly and bent down, leaning over him, laying a smooth, cool palm on the scalded skin on his lower belly. As her hand glowed green and Shikamaru began to feel a tingling sensation on his skin, she looked up at him.

"So you think I sound just like Tsunade-sama now, huh?" her large green eyes sparkled with amusement.

He shrugged lazily, feeling suddenly very relaxed, as he slid a little further down in his chair.

_Wow, these healing techniques are amazing. This is the first time I've felt so relaxed in days…I could go to sleep right here…_

"Or maybe all us troublesome women sound alike to you?"

The pink-haired girl continued with a smile, her hand moving slightly, caressing his skin as the soothing green chakra continued to pulse into him with a rhythm that was almost hypnotic.

Unbidden, Shikamaru felt his eyes begin to drift closed. Due to the events and resulting stresses of the past few days, he had not slept much, particularly after discovering a video camera implanted in the wall of his bathroom last night.

The fact that he had recognized it as one of the latest models used by the ANBU Intelligence squad had hammered home to him the fact that this sudden inexplicable wave of popularity was not something which he could just dismiss as 'troublesome'.

But now, safe in his office, with a harmless female who had never shown any untoward interest in him, the jounin let his heavy eyelids fall.

_Sakura's really amazing at this medical stuff…Tsunade always raves about her perfect chakra control, so smooth and shaped, you'd never even notice it's in your system…she sure smells good too…_

A slight furrowing of the patient's brow was all the warning that Sakura received before narrow brown eyes flew open, and a strong grip caught her left wrist, the hand of which was in the action of nimbly unbuckling the shadow-user's belt.

The pink-haired girl gasped, then, quickly recovering herself, wrenched away from the pony-tailed jounin's grasp.

"Shikamaru, what on earth are you doing?" she exclaimed with an unconvincing laugh.

"Nice try, Miss who-ever-you-are, but would you mind dropping the act and showing me who you really are?" The normally lazy, slightly nasal voice was icy, the brown eyes narrowed threateningly behind the silver spectacles.

The pink, shapely lips twisted into a poor attempt at a confused smile. "Shikamaru, what are you talking about? It's me, Sakura!"

"Oh really?" His eyes shifted to the doorway, and a smirk tilted up the corners of his lips. "Try telling that to _her_."

The girl spun around, her eyes widening. There in the doorway stood an open-mouthed Sakura, with Shizune at her side.

"What in the world?" Shizune stared back and forth between the two Sakuras in confusion.

The Sakura still standing in front of Shikamaru gave vent to a frustrated groan. "Ok fine, you caught me! But honestly –" there was a puff of smoke, which cleared to reveal a curvaceous young lady with a long black braid, which she flipped impatiently over one shoulder, "Can you blame a girl for trying?"

"Okada Mizuki!" gasped Shizune and Sakura.

"Troublesome kissing girl!" exclaimed Shikamaru, at the same moment. All three women stopped and stared at him.

"What?" he mumbled, looking away in embarrassment, "I'm supposed to remember her name now?"

Shizune frowned. "Mizuki-san, would you care to explain what you were doing in Nara-kun's office, disguised as Sakura?"

Mizuki sighed. "Just trying to execute plan B for catching the hottest shinobi in Konoha. Oh well, and I was this close to getting his pants off too."

She turned back to Shikamaru, leaving Shizune to marvel at the girl's bravery/stupidity in turning her back to them when Sakura was emitting such a powerful _killing_ aura.

"Oh yeah, how did you know I wasn't the Sakura girl? I know there was nothing wrong with my Henge no jutsu and my mum taught me how to mould medical chakra, so what tipped you off?"

The shadow user eyed her warily. _She's not that bright, is she? Even a genin could sense Sakura's killing aura right now. _He propped his elbows on the armrests of his chair and folded his hands in front of his face, à la Uchiha.

"Quite simple really; you may have learned to mould medicinal chakra, and quite well too, but chakra control as perfect as Sakura's isn't something you can learn. She's treated me once before, and I'll never forget how smooth it was; it could have been the Hokage doing it. Your chakra was pulsing all over the place like an amateur."

Shikamaru glanced out of the corner of his eye. _Sakura's lost the murderous look; Shizune's smiling. We may avoid bloodshed yet!_

Mizuki pouted. "Fine, fine, so my chakra control's not good enough."

He smirked. "Actually, I knew it wasn't really Sakura from the moment you entered the room."

At this, Mizuki, Shizune and Sakura all stared at him in disbelief.

"I don't believe it," snapped Mizuki, "How could you possibly have known from then?"

A beam of sunlight caught Shikamaru's glasses, turning the lenses into opaque mirrors of brilliance, hiding his gaze.

"Because," he said coolly, "Although she is a very generous and warm-hearted person, Haruno Sakura is someone who values privacy. And before entering a room, she always, _always_ knocks."

Face burning bright red, Mizuki took a step back. "Well fine, if that's all, I think I'll just be leaving now." Shizune took a step forward and grasped the girl's arm firmly.

"You won't be going anywhere except to the Hokage's office young lady, where I'm sure Tsunade-sama will be delighted to hear you've volunteered for cleaning duty in the hospital for the next three months. The genin teams have been making a fuss lately about the bedpans."

A look of horror flashed over the girl's face as Shizune forcibly escorted her out the door. Shikamaru and Sakura could hear her wail from down the corridor, "_Bedpans?"_

The lazy jounin heaved a sigh of relief and yawned. "And that takes care of that problem."

He looked at the girl across from him, who was standing in front of his desk, her eyes directed out the window.

"Man, Sakura, can you believe that girl, impersonating you? I'm starting to think I need around-the-clock protection."

The pink-haired medic remained silent and he felt a pang of worry. _What's wrong with her? Is she that upset? I didn't say something wrong…did I?_

The sound of her voice broke into his thoughts.

"Shikamaru?" Sakura's face was turning pink as she kept her eyes steadily averted out the window.

"Yeah?"

"Why aren't you wearing a shirt?"

_AN: Wow, look at what all your reviews have done. I have two final exams next week and I had an exam yesterday, and yet here I am, with chapter 7 finally up and chapter 8 finished this morning! Thankyou to all you guys for hanging on, I really appreciate it! _

_This story is getting tricky, not because of writer's block, but because I'm getting so many ridiculous ideas for plot devices that I really want to use, but now I'm wondering how I can fit them into the story, and where this story's going to end...argh_


	8. Post Operative Counselling 101

_AN: And here we are at last. I hope that there will still be a remnant of people able to enjoy this, despite the long wait…It's amazing what the threat of two unfinished assignments due on Monday will do for my writing muse… _

_Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto…if I did, I'd have freakin' cut out all these STUPID non-manga story arcs, and given me Kakashi's Gaiden already! How many people know what I'm talking about? _

**Post-Operative Counselling 101**

Sakura felt awful.

_This is all my fault. _

She gazed miserably into the frothy depths of her low-fat cappuccino, her emotions in too much turmoil to even think of scooping off the top sprinkling of powder.

_Poor Shikamaru. All he wanted was a quiet life…and now look what's happened. He can't even sit in his office without getting molested. I've never seen him looking so harassed. _

_And it's all my fault._

_Me and my stupid good taste in glasses has suddenly turned him into the sex-god of Konoha. Everything in a skirt wants him. It's crazy._

Sakura's smooth brow furrowed deeply as she continued to ponder, watching the steam wafting up lazily from her cappuccino.

_But Shikamaru is an adult now, he's a jounin, he can handle his own problems (supposedly). So why does all this bother me so much? Why do I feel all protective suddenly? Why do I care?_

A thought more disturbing than any other emerged, unbidden, from the depths of her mind.

_And WHY can't I stop picturing him with his shirt off?_

At that, Inner Sakura cackled with amusement. Sakura jumped at the bacchanalian sound.

_What are YOU doing here?_

In a flash, the pleasant café décor surrounding her disappeared, to be replaced by an electrical-looking black and purple background. She found herself staring up at an enormous black and white, eerily familiar form.

The figure rolled its eyes. _Oh please, I live here, remember? Even if you haven't seen me around for a while, I've been here, don't worry. _The pink-haired medic's inner ego smirked down at her.

_Ok, but what made you pop up all of a sudden?_ Sakura asked herself, realising simultaneously that healthy people _really_ shouldn't be able to have conversations with entities in their heads.

_I just couldn't bear to see you sitting here and wallowing pointlessly, asking yourself silly questions to which you _already_ know the answers. _The figure folded its jet black arms and grinned.

_Huh?_ Sakura blinked in confusion. Inner Sakura chuckled.

_You can play dumb with yourself and everyone else maybe, but you can't play dumb with me, honey._

_What do you mean?_ The pink-haired kunoichi felt a chill of foreboding.

_Well, _her black and white inner self smiled ferally, _let's just say that all these years, I've been getting the front row seat in everything you see and think about, and let me tell you, things have certainly changed since a few years ago._

Sakura gulped. _Have they?_

_Why don't you see for yourself?_

With a shock, Sakura found herself sitting in a stormy black and purple row of seats, in front of a huge TV screen, with her inner self slouched beside her, remote control in one hand, and, ridiculously, a bucket of popcorn in the other.

_Ok, _said Inner Sakura, pressing what was presumably the 'Play' button, _here's what the picture was like up until a couple of years ago. _

Immediately, the screen flickered to life, showing an artificially sparkly, flowered image of one Uchiha Sasuke striding towards them, black hair blowing in the breeze.

He spoke, looking directly at the screen.

"Sakura, I need to ask you something."

As he spoke, the camera view seemed to be chaotically roaming over his face, zooming in on his mouth, then suddenly going wide lens to admire how shiny his hair was, followed by a dreamy panning over his eyes, as hearts and flowers began to float across the screen. As though she were actually present in the flashback, the kunoichi could feel how her heart had been beating erratically, and, incredibly, she could even sense how her palms had been sweating.

_What's wrong with this camera?_ Sakura asked, feeling slightly disorientated at the emotions and sensations wafting from the screen.

Inner Sakura looked at her sideways. _And everyone keeps saying how smart you are…that's _your_ eyes we're looking through; this is your mind and feelings. This is how you used to look at Sasuke._

_Really? Wait, what do you mean, used to? _

Inner Sakura snorted at this.

_You can't tell honestly tell me that you're STILL pining after him like a 12 year old, dreaming of a white house with little pink-haired, Sharingan-wielding ninjalets running around while Sasuke gets home from a mission and you're there, cooking the dinner? Especially since you SUCK at cooking…_

_Hey! Naruto said he _loved_ the ramen I made for his birthday!_

_Ha! Naruto would love ramen even if _Orochimaru_ made it for his birthday!_

_Good point…_

Their attention was brought back to the screen by the sound of her own voice saying chirpily, "Yes Sasuke-kun?" even as her inner voice screamed, _"Yes! He's FINALLY going to ask me out!"_

Sasuke spoke. "Have you seen Naruto today?"

"Um, yeah, he went to the Academy to meet Iruka-sensei, I think."

"Good, see ya."

And he turned and walked away, leaving her standing there, as usual.

The pink-haired medic sighed at the familiar sight of Sasuke's back.

_I guess you're right, it's been a long time since I thought about Sasuke-kun that way. _

_Yeah, actually this is a pretty old tape; let me find a more recent one. Hang on. _

It had been a few years now since Sakura had realised that Uchiha Sasuke was just not interested in anything to do with love, romance or hormones. Since Naruto had brought him back forcibly from Orochimaru, his goal was fixed; to become strong enough to kill his brother, using his own resources. To that end he only had time to spend on people who could help him attain that goal; Naruto, Kakashi, he had even trained with Neji and Lee a few times.

Sakura would readily trust the Uchiha with her life, and she knew he thought of her as an important person in his own (cold, emotionally stunted, undemonstrative) way. Maybe someday, after achieving his goal, he would be ready to look at the finer things life had to offer, but Sakura realised that she had decided she was not going to wait around for that day.

_Oi_,_ you're missing the good bit._ Inner Sakura elbowed her in the ribs, and the pink-haired medic jumped.

_Good bit?_ She looked up at the screen, then gasped.

She was in the hospital; that much was clear from the clinical white bed and beige walls and cupboards surrounding her. The sun was shining brightly in through the open window, reflecting off the glass medicine bottles, the crisp white bed sheets, the shiny linoleum floor, and the taut, tight, green-spandex clad buttocks of one Rock Lee, who was currently bending over, back (and bum) towards her, about 1m away.

_WHAT IS THIS? _Sakura's face flamed as she tried to rub her eyes out of their sockets.

Inner Sakura was shaking with helpless laughter, heedless of the popcorn scattering all over the seat.

_You don't remember this? _

_Obviously NOT! What the hell was I doing, staring at Lee-san's butt?_

_Well, it IS a very nice butt, you must admit._

_Well yeah, but still!_

Lee's perky voice interrupted them.

"Sakura-san, I appreciate you giving me advice about stretching exercises to help with my training, but don't you think maybe I've done enough toe touches? Perhaps there are other areas I could be working on?"

The camera began to zoom in slowly as her voice replied, "Lee-san, are you questioning my abilities as a medic? These particular stretches are very important. You may not know it," the camera began to move up and down slowly, "but with all your training, these muscles at the back will get _very _tight, and developed…and…nice…"

_STOP IT NOW! _

The kunoichi's face was on fire now, as she pressed her hands to her face, wishing she could hide under the seat, as her stomach tied itself in knots.

Inner Sakura smiled evilly as she began to fast-forward.

_Oh, you think _that_ one was bad? You should see the dream sequence you had about Kakashi-sensei after you treated him on that mission a few months ago._

_What are you talking about?_

_You don't remember? It was raining; he had that kunai wound on his stomach. Don't you remember the way he peeled off that wet, clinging shirt, the way his hair was all plastered down over his eyes…?_

_Shut up shut up shut up shut up SHUT UP! How is ANY of this relevant to Shikamaru and me being…concerned about him?_

_Well, to answer that, we'll need to watch from…here!_

Abruptly, the jerkily moving figures on the screen slowed down to normal speed. Sakura was standing in Shikamaru's office, her eyes fixed on a point out the window, just to the left of the Sandaime Hokage's sculptured nose.

"And that takes care of that problem," said the shadow user, in a very satisfied voice.

After a pause, he continued, "Man, Sakura, can you believe that girl, impersonating you? I'm starting to think I need around-the-clock protection."

Her inner voice groaned,_"He'll need that around-the-clock protection from ME if he doesn't put a shirt on! Oh man, I want to look, I want to look, I want to look, I want to look, I'm NOT GOING TO LOOK!"_

"Shikamaru?"

"Yeah?"

"Why aren't you wearing a shirt?"

She finally looked at him, and when she did, it was all she could do to keep her breathing steady.

She saw pale olive skin stretched tightly over the smooth planes of broad, bare shoulders, the sweeping lines of his collar bones slightly raised above the flat, hard muscles of a chest scattered lightly with fine dark hairs, disappearing down to the finely ridged, tight lines of his stomach. And above all that, when she finally managed to drag her eyes up, was his face, with its sharp, hard angles of nose and clean-cut jaw, the broad forehead, the ponytail of thick black hair; but most of all, his narrow, piercing brown eyes, flawlessly framed with the glinting silver spectacles that simply completed the image before her…(_AN: Whew!)_

_Alright! Alright! I'm attracted him, ok? _In the dark movie theatre of her mind, Sakura turned exasperatedly on her inner self. _I'm attracted to him, big deal. Pretty much every female in Konoha is at the moment too! What does this prove?_

_My my, aren't we getting awfully touchy all of a sudden? _Inner Sakura looked at her coolly. _You think I'm showing you all this just to prove how much of a closet pervert you are? Incredibly, no. So just be quiet and keep watching._

"Sakura? Are you ok?" He glanced at her again, before pulling open one of the drawers of his desk and extracting a plain black T-shirt, slipping it over his head and tugging it on with easy, unhurried movements that made Sakura's toes curl.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

He raised an eyebrow. For a moment he looked as if he were going to press her further, but then clearly dismissed the idea as too troublesome, for he then sat back in his chair, hands lazily clasped across his stomach. Oddly, he made no move to get rid her or to continue his work, but simply sat there, watching her.

"Shikamaru, can I ask you something?"

"Sure," he said, in a way that made her uncomfortably certain he had not only been waiting for her ask something, but also that he knew exactly what her question was going to be, and had probably already thought out an answer to it.

"If you knew from the beginning that that girl was really Mizuki and not me, why would you let her, I mean why _did_ you let her, I mean…" she trailed off.

A corner of his mouth twitched upward.

"I _didn't_ know."

_AN: Gasp! He DIDN'T know? Ok, if you read another story I recently updated, you'd see that I said I'd written chapter 9 of this, so I'd be able to update quickly after this chapter…unfortunately, this chapter is going to have a second part to it, which will become chapter 9, so the chapter 9 that I've had written and waiting for the last few months will now get bumped back to chapter 10! Argh…hopefully it'll be worth it, because I really think you'll like that chapter and I want to hurry up and post it and see what people think of it…_

_Thankyou so much to all the lovely people who have taken the time to review and encouraged me to continue; please don't be put off by the sporadic updates – this story will NOT be discontinued. _


	9. Post Operative Counselling 102

_Author's Note: This chapter is a long time in coming…sorry for the ridiculously long delay. Thankyou so much for all the encouraging reviews, I can safely say that it was the reviews that forced me to finish this chapter. Enjoy!_

**Post-Operative Counselling 102**

Sakura stared at him in utter bewilderment, her brain melting for the third time that afternoon.

"You…what?"

He slid down a little further in his chair, tilting his head back to gaze lazily up at her through his spectacles.

"I didn't know."

A fiery blush rose to her cheeks as the implications began to dawn on her.

"You mean, you let that girl get your shirt off and practically _molest_ you, and you thought it was _me_?"

Shikamaru rolled his eyes.

"Why is it always the _guy_ who ends up being the pervert?" he groaned. "Are you implying that I let that girl get her hands on me _because_ I thought it was you or something?" He snorted. "Come on, I'm not dumb enough to think that you'd want to get your hands on someone like me, Sakura."

Had she only imagined the trace of bitterness in those words?

"Then what do you mean, you didn't know? It certainly seemed like you'd figured it out before Shizune-sempai and I came into the room!"

"I _had_ figured it out."

Even sitting in the dark cinema of her mind, Sakura could clearly sense her powerful urge had been to rip out handfuls of her own pink locks in frustration.

"But you just said you _didn't_ know –"

He sighed and pushed up his glasses, rubbing at the bridge of his nose.

"Yare, yare, do women always have to take everything you say and use it against you? How troublesome. I meant I didn't know it was Mizuki from the first damn second she walked in the door."

The pink-haired medic's smooth brow furrowed deeply.

"Then, when did you, I mean, how did you…?"

The shadow user groaned. "The first clue, my dear Watson, came when the girl referred to the Hokage as Tsunade-sama, when I know that you actually have come to refer to her as Tsunade-shishou or Tsunade-sensei."

Green eyes widened.

"The second clue came when I noticed that she was trying to unbuckle my belt, something that _you_ probably wouldn't do when healing a patient…I think," Shikamaru deadpanned, smirking up at her.

Sakura snorted. "Is that all?"

"That and…" the light from the window momentarily reflected off his glasses again, hiding his gaze from her, "Her hair was the wrong smell."

Just hearing him say that again made Sakura blush bright red and squirm in her seat. _'How the heck did he know what our hair smelled like?' is, I believe what you were thinking, _Inner Sakura said, leering at her through a mouthful of popcorn.

_Why are you making me watch this again?_ Sakura asked her alter-ego, who merely smirked and made a shushing gesture.

There was silence in the office for a minute. The pony-tailed jounin seemed to have lost interest in the conversation and was gazing at the clock over the doorway. Suddenly the slender shoulders of the Hokage's apprentice slumped, fractionally, but enough to catch Shikamaru's attention.

"What?"

Her voice was very matter-of-fact when she answered, her green eyes fixed on the polished wood surface of his desk, half obscured though it was beneath piles of paperwork.

"So you were just saying that then; like, you didn't really mean it."

"Didn't really mean what?"

He tried to find her gaze, but it was hidden beneath her bubblegum pink locks.

"You know; what you were saying about me being skilled with chakra, as good as Tsunade-sensei, how I'm a generous and warm-hearted person, blah blah."

Sakura hadn't been looking at Shikamaru as she spoke, so all she had sensed was his sudden movement, and a note of consternation in his voice.

"Sakura, I don't say things I don't mean –"

But she gave a light laugh and waved her hand dismissively.

"Don't worry about it Shikamaru, really. Heh, it made a good story in front of Shizune and Mizuki. That was good thinking, really." She began to back towards the door, "Well, look at the time, I'm sure you must be really busy with all that paperwork. I've got to get to the clinic myself, so maybe I'll see you round sometime."

As she shut the door after her and hurried down the hallway, the memory of the perplexed look on the face of Konoha's top strategist stayed frozen in her mind.

Actually, Inner Sakura had just pressed 'pause'. She then switched off the video and turned her dark gaze on her outer counterpart, who was sitting in her stormy purple chair, with what looked suspiciously like a pout on her pretty pink lips.

_Well?_

The pink-haired medic avoided her gaze. _Well what? I walked out of there because I was busy, really busy…and because I found out that that pony-tailed slob said all those sweet, insightful things about me without meaning a damn word of it. Jerk. _

A grin spread over her alter-ego's black face: a grin to make Anko green with envy.

_See?_ _Since when do you care about what Nara Shikamaru thinks of you?_

Haruno Sakura looked herself squarely in the eyes.

_So you're saying I like him? As in, _like _like him?_

_I thought that much was obvious. So what are you going to do about it? _

She sat there, thinking.

_What am I going to do about it? Well, I guess I could..._

Without warning, a sharp stab of pain shot through Sakura's head. In a split second, Inner Sakura, the movie screen and the purple darkness had vanished, to be replaced by a pair of familiar blue eyes gazing down at her.

"Ino-pig! What did you just do to me?"

Her blonde friend raised an eyebrow. "I just flicked that big shiny forehead of yours, Sakura, it couldn't have hurt that much."

A soft voice piped up from behind Ino.

"Sakura, I have some of my herbal ointment, you could put that on to soothe it if you like."

Sakura's scowl softened as Hinata stepped forward, timidly offering the small container, which she seemed to carry everywhere with her.

"Thanks Hinata, but don't worry about it, I'm fine. Why don't you guys join me?" The pink-haired medic slid around in the booth to make room for her two friends to sit down.

"So, big forehead," Ino planted an elbow on the table and looked her friend straight in the eyes, "What were you thinking about so hard, sitting here all alone, even though," she glanced at her watch, "it's _way_ past your coffee break time?" her eyes flicked to the medic's cappuccino, "and you don't seem to have touched your cappuccino, which is now," her finger brushed against the mug, "as I suspected – cold!" She leaned forward even further, a wicked expression on her face. "Must have been something pretty important, eh?"

"Nothing much, just some cases at the clinic this morning had me confused," Sakura said casually, fighting to hold her friend's piercing gaze.

Ever since Ino had started Morino Ibiki's community night classes in interrogation, she had gotten harder and harder to lie to. Not that it was easy to fool someone you had known since childhood, but in this case it was worth a try. Admitting to having a secret crush on your best friend's current lust interest was never good for health. Especially when said best friend was also getting As in Mitarashi Anko's free night classes in torture and assassination.

The blonde girl's eyes narrowed fractionally. "Oh really? Are you _sure_ that's what it was?"

Sakura gulped.

Ino opened her mouth to speak again, only to be interrupted by a soft gasp from Hinata, who had been sitting, apparently listening intently with her head tilted to one side, a look of horror growing on her soft features.

Ino raised an eyebrow and reached across the table, tapping the Hyuuga's shoulder.

"Hinata? Hinata? You ok?"

Hinata raised a finger to her lips and made a quick gesture of her hand, motioning towards the booth beside theirs.

After exchanging glances, Ino and Sakura slid over to the pale girl's side of the seat, pressing their ears to the wall of the booth.

"-great aren't they? Really clear pictures. Good work Akiko," said a high, girlish voice, only slightly muffled by the thin wall separating the two alcoves.

"Thanks. But don't you think cameras in his office are a little tame? Why don't we infiltrate his house?" another feminine voice spoke, a little higher and girlier than the first, with a perverted edge to it.

A third female voice snorted. "When ANBU have already planted their cameras in his bathroom? They'd take it as a challenge to their territory, and I don't know about you, but I'm not in a hurry to be tortured and interrogated."

The second voice sighed. "Yeah, I guess so. Now that you mention it, isn't it weird about that torture and interrogation trend that's so big lately. I wonder what's causing it?"

"Oh, you mean you haven't heard about Morino and Mitarashi-senpai's night classes?" asked the third voice, "Mitarashi-senpai is amazing; last night we learned how to reduce an enemy to madness with a fork and two Chinese opera CDs."

"Wow," said the second voice, clearly impressed.

Ino stared at Sakura and Hinata, eyes wide. "No way! I think that's the girl who sat behind me in class last night!" she hissed, "And Hinata, why the hell are we listening to-"

She broke off as the first voice interrupted the other two, sounding annoyed.

"Excuse me, but I think we're getting just a little off topic. Remember what we're here for, please."

The second voice gave a dreamy sigh. "How could I forget something like that? How could I forget someone like _him_?"

"So this time, we're going to catch him for sure? Everyone else has been mobilized right?" said the third voice.

The first voice spoke as if she were smirking, which, as Hinata, Sakura and Ino were unable to see her face, she might well have been.

"That's right. No more subtlety. This is an all out attack. The rest of the club has been strategically placed in small groups throughout the village. No matter where he might go, he can't hide. Nara Shikamaru," a wicked giggle sent shivers down the spines of the eavesdroppers, "as of today, your ass is ours!"

"And his glasses!" said the second voice perkily.

"I'd be happy with the ass," mumbled the third voice.

"Oh yeah? Well, I don't mind if you get that, just as long as I get the –"

Before that sentence could come to its almost certainly shocking and salacious conclusion, Sakura tore herself away from the wall, stunned. After a moment, her vision focused and she took in the sight of an equally stunned, blushing Hinata, and a red-faced Ino, who was flexing her fingers in an ominous manner.

"Why those sleazy little-" she began, blue eyes blazing.

"Sh!" Hinata clapped a hand over the blonde's mouth, "They're leaving now!"

In a flash, Sakura had cast a genjutsu over their booth, making it appear to be unoccupied as the three girls from the adjoining booth walked past them and out the door of the café.

The pearly-eyed girl removed her hand from Ino's mouth. Ino scowled at her.

"Why didn't you pull your hand away when I licked it?"

The dark-haired girl giggled and wiped her palm off on a napkin. "Ino, I do have a loud, headstrong younger sister after all. The things I've put up with…"

Sakura waved her hand, releasing the genjutsu and catching her friends' attention at the same time.

"Uh guys? Did you miss that? Shikamaru is going to be molested by a hungry horde, and it's going to happen today!"

Hinata twisted the napkin nervously between her hands. Ino slammed her fist down on the table.

"We've got to help him! I know Shikamaru; that lazy bum is no match for a fan club. He still hasn't got his hairbands back from Moegi for crying out loud. A whole army of girls like that'll slaughter him."

"Anou, maybe we should go to Hokage-sama for help?" suggested Hinata timidly, "After all, ANBU is under her control, they could hold off a group of fangirls surely. Maybe they could even give Shikamaru-san a 24 hour guard?"

Sakura shook her head. "No good. From what they said about those hidden cameras, the ANBU will be in on it too."

"And let's face it, Konoha isn't that big a village, he can't hide from a bunch of crazed fans forever." Ino shook her head, frowning.

"Maybe he could leave the village? Go on a long D-rank mission in Wind Country or something," Hinata thought out loud, "No wait, Temari-san lives in Wind Country; no good."

"We have to find Shikamaru and warn him about this ambush somehow," Ino decided, "He's the genius right? He can figure out something."

The blonde kunoichi chuckled. "Maybe he could figure out a way to make himself ugly again or something. That'd do it."

Sakura jumped.

_That's it!_

"Ino! You're brilliant!"

"You forgot to add beautiful, but I'll accept it anyway," said the mind-swapping Yamanaka. "Why am I brilliant again?"

But the green eyed medic was already on her feet and heading for the door.

"Sakura! Where are you going?"

The pink-haired medic paused at the threshold, and shot a look of fiery determination back at her friends.

"To save Shikamaru."

She turned away and stood for a moment, fists clenched. She turned back and threw a sheepish glance over her shoulder

"Um, can you guys come too?"

_AN: Oh, the suspense! What could sakura be planning? Er, yeah, I know the fangirls haven't been exactly subtle before this, but really, how subtle can fangirls be? Should be able to expect the next update to come a lot sooner than this one did! Hope you enjoyed this chapter, it was a real killer to get out, not sure how well it's turned out…what did you think? Look forward to seeing Naruto and Sasuke in Chapter 10 _


	10. Consulting the Specialist

_AN: And this is the chapter that has waited SO long to see the light of day. thankyou for all the great reviews, i feel loved._

**Consulting the Specialist**

On a warm mid-morning in Konoha, the sun shone down on the great carved faces of the mountain, reflected off the rooftops of the village, sparkled on the stream flowing under the bridge and gleamed down on the sweaty faces of two young shinobi in the training field; two young shinobi who were presently engaged in trying to beat each other into the ground.

It was now 11am, and Sasuke and Naruto had been at it since at least 7. Other shinobi had come and gone after a two or three hour stretch, but these two were hardcore, and stubborn as mules. Neither would back down to the other, not until they were lying in a gasping heap on the ground, with kunai poised shakily at each other's throats, eyes stinging with sweat and jaws clenched menacingly.

Which was pretty much the position they were in right now.

Sasuke's pitch black eyes, having tired of using the Sharingan about an hour ago, glared into those of his rival, who was about an inch away from him.

"Yield?"

The crystalline blue eyes narrowed.

"Never!" The blond gritted out, ignoring the quivering point of the kunai barely brushing his tanned, muscular neck.

Sasuke's perfect lips twitched into a smirk, the one that Naruto always said he'd like to punch off the pretty boy's face, but which actually never failed in bringing a grin to his own.

"Good," said the Uchiha softly, before rolling off the blond to lie on the grass beside him, chest heaving.

Naruto chuckled breathlessly. Sasuke was such a weirdo sometimes, but the best rival any aspiring Hokage could have. He was glad that he'd dragged him back to the village and stopped the snake bastard from taking his body.

The two teens lay in silence for a few minutes, basking in the lactic acid which had replaced the adrenaline pumping through their bodies. Sasuke closed his eyes, enjoying the warmth of the sun on his face.

Inwardly he smiled as he listened to the sound of Naruto's soft, snorting breaths close by. Any minute now, the blond, miraculously rejuvenated, would leap to his feet and begin pestering the Uchiha to buy him ramen, a habit he had still not grown out of in the past six years. And Sasuke would roll his eyes and comply with no more than a show of resistance, and so would go another peaceful day in the life of this perfect rivalry.

The dark haired shinobi smirked, eyes still closed, as he heard Naruto make an exclamation beside him and jump to his feet.

_Wait for it…_

"Ne, ne Sasuke!"

"What is it, dobe?"

_So predictable…_

"Bastard, I just remembered! You don't have to worry about buying me ramen today!"

…_what?_

"I'm gonna go have lunch with Hinata-chan, and then she said she can give me some practice in fighting against the Byakugan! She's gonna show me some cool new techniques!"

…_WHAT?_

"So yeah, guess I'll see you tomorrow then! Bye!"

Sasuke found himself sitting bolt upright, eyes wide open, staring at the orange clad figure already running off in the direction of the village.

"Bye…" the word came out as a whisper, forced through stiff lips and a throat gone suddenly dry.

Slowly, woodenly, the dark-haired jounin rose to his feet, and for lack of anything else to do, began to walk in the general direction of his house.

_So…_

_So this is what it's like when Naruto has a girlfriend…so much for best rivals huh? A girl comes along and suddenly **she's** the one who's buying him ramen and…hey! Isn't that a **good** thing? I won't be wasting money buying that idiot ramen all the time! _

His furrowed brow smoothed slightly. _Yeah, and now that he can hang out with Hinata, he won't be jumping all over **me** all the time, filling the air with his idiotic ravings, talking to me non-stop, forcing me to spar with him, telling me about the stupid dreams he had about giant monster ramen…_

He was surprised at the sudden tightness in his chest.

_No more Naruto hanging around. _

_No more Naruto, period. _

_He'll probably go train with **her** all the time now, because she can teach him how to fight the stupid Byakugan._

"Byakugan, che, I could teach him how to fight the _Sharingan_," he muttered aloud, completely forgetting the foolishness of becoming proficient in techniques to battle against a bloodline ability now possessed by only two people, both of whom were allies of the Kyuubi container. Sasuke was not in the mood to think logically as he viciously kicked at a rock in the path in front of him. It flew through the air and into a clump of bushes that responded with a very grumpy, "Ouch!"

The Uchiha stopped and stared at the bespectacled figure that slowly emerged from the shrubs, rubbing its forehead and looking very annoyed, in a lazy sort of way.

"What the hell are you doing, Sasuke? You nearly brained me," grumbled Shikamaru, stepping out onto the path beside the brooding brunette.

Sasuke merely did one of his trademark eyebrow lifts, followed by his trademark icy stare.

"Did you get glasses recently?"

Shikamaru blinked. "Yeah."

"Don't you usually sleep on a hill or a rooftop somewhere?"

Sasuke stood silently, expectantly. He was about to comment on the unusually tense stance and slightly wild-eyed look on the normally relaxed Nara's face, but decided against it.

Shikamaru scowled.

"Ok, first, I don't sleep, I watch clouds, and second, after what happened at Ichiraku the other week, lying out in the open has become…extremely troublesome."

"Oh? Maybe if you wore pants instead of a tablecloth; those things can get breezy…"

Shikamaru stared at the Uchiha in disbelief. _Is Sasuke making a joke? Couldn't be…_

"So I guess Naruto told you what happened at Ichiraku…"

The smirk on the pale face was answer enough. The pony-tailed jounin grimaced.

"And since then, there have been…incidents…like, these girls have been ambushing me and stuff, so, I thought it'd be better if I tried cloud-watching from a less exposed place."

"I see." More silence. Shikamaru suddenly noticed something.

"Oi Sasuke, where's Naruto today? Don't you guys usually go for lunch around now?"

He almost flinched at the dark look that appeared on the sharingan user's face, before Sasuke turned and stalked off.

_Was it something I said?_

Shikamaru was about to let the pale boy walk away. After all, even though he didn't hold grudges, Sasuke was not exactly one of his favourite people. Then he remembered the girl attacks and hurried after the stiff-backed Uchiha.

There was a big advantage to sticking with him; namely, if any girls _did _pop out of the bushes, what fangirl in her not-so-right-mind would ever dream of glomping Nara Shikamaru when Uchiha Sasuke, sex god of Konoha, was standing right there in front of her?

Said sex god glanced over his shoulder coldly as Shikamaru came up beside him.

"Sasuke, you've had a lot of experience with, uh, with girls attacking you right?"

Coal black eyes narrowed. "And?"

The pony-tailed jounin sighed inwardly. Getting information from Sasuke was like extracting teeth from an Akatsuki member with old pliers and no anaesthetic in the middle of a fight on the edge of a cliff. Shikamaru blinked at his own long and involved analogy, then turned his mind back to the problem at hand. _And I thought being around Naruto all the time might have softened him up a bit…_

"How did you deal with it? Is there anything you can tell me, anyway I could stop it, short of beating them up?" a desperate tone seeped into his voice. "Please?"

_I can't believe I'm asking Uchiha Sasuke for advice on girl trouble…next Sakura'll be asking Lee for hair-care tips…_

Sasuke shrugged. "Well, you could always run away to join an evil overlord and betray the village, nearly killing your best friend in the process. That tends to put them off."

Shikamaru's mouth dropped open.

Sasuke continued, unperturbed.

"Then you could always take on the heartless bastard persona, forcibly pushing away any girl who tries to get close to you, and crushing hearts left and right. And there's the whole gay routine, but some fan girls actually like that kind of thing, so that's a drawback. If you don't mind pain, a bit of hideous self-mutilation would scare them, or wearing bright, badly matching colours is a turn-off for most girls," he eyed the look of utter shock on the lazy jounin's face, "Believe me, I've thought of everything."

_Hideous self-mutilation eh? I guess this explains his whole 'Lee look-alike' phase last year…damn that was scary…_

The Uchiha's stance stiffened suddenly and a peculiar look appeared on the flawless face. "…but usually, when girls attack, you just do what your instincts tell you to."

Shikamaru's head shot up. He had heard it too. A faint, far off rumbling, growing rapidly louder, mingled with what sounded like the screech of enraged chimpanzees.

He looked at Sasuke. "And what's that?"

The trademark smirk twisted the pale boy's lips.

"Run."

The rumbling and vague screeching noises had sharpened and morphed into the sounds of feet pounding the earth, and feminine voices shrieking.

"I think he went this way!"

"Come on girls! I can feel his chakra signature! It's getting stronger!"

"Where are you, Shikamaru-sama!"

The jounin's face paled beneath his tan.

"Oh crap."

He turned and began moving at a pace almost equal to that of Hatake Kakashi running to get the latest instalment of Icha Icha Paradise. Sasuke silently leapt up into the branches of the nearest tree, cloaking his chakra as a few seconds later, a crowd of panting, shrieking females thundered past, hot on the shadow user's trail.

"Quick! He can't be far ahead!"

"I get the first glomp when we catch him!"

"Shikamaru-sama!"

The last Uchiha waited until he could no longer sense their chakra, then leaped gracefully down and continued on his way home.

_Naruto would be laughing so hard if he were here…_he scowled at the thought, feeling suddenly very alone without the blond's noisy presence by his side.

_Maybe if I found a girlfriend too, then it wouldn't be so bad…_He paused, mentally running through a list of the girls in Konoha whom he knew by name. After less than two seconds, he thought again, remembering the girls in his fanclub and the screeching horde that had just run past him.

_Get a girlfriend? _Inner Sasuke began laughing hysterically.

He calmed down after a minute. _Or, I could just learn to share and hang out with Naruto and Hinata. _A wicked gleam appeared in his dark eyes. _I'll teach **her** about fighting the Byakugan... _

Smirking to himself, the Uchiha changed direction, heading for the village and Ichiraku Ramen.

A few minutes later, a pony-tailed figure materialized from the shadows, sighing with relief at his narrow escape. _I always knew Kage Bunshin no jutsu would come in handy one of these days. Those girls can keep on chasing that clone as long as he holds out. _

Shikamaru yawned and stretched.

_I don't know why the hell every girl in Konoha is after me all of a sudden, but I don't want to hang around and find out. Man, talk about troublesome, now I have to find another place to sleep…er…watch clouds._

"Did you really think a clone would fool us, Shikamaru-kun?" A silky voice close behind him sent a shock through his entire body.

The lazy jounin turned slowly to come face to face with at least ten of the girls from the shrieking horde, led by a tall blonde whom he had last seen wrestling Kurenai-senpai in Ichiraku Ramen.

"Maybe he wasn't trying to fool us. Maybe he was just weeding out the unworthy," said the voluptuous brunette who had been dodging furniture hurled at her by Temari a week ago.

"Yeah, I bet he wants to get with a _real_ kunoichi!" another girl squealed pervertedly.

Apparently satisfied with this reasoning, the girls pounced squarely onto the bespectacled young shinobi, only to be met with a puff of smoke, as they found themselves glomping a large tree log.

With a hundred metres' head start, Shikamaru was sure that he could make it to safety with the help of a few more clones and maybe a Henge no Jutsu or two.

Resisting the urge to scream, "Why me?" he directed more chakra to his feet and took to the treetops.

_Crap. Guess I won't be watching clouds for a while yet…how troublesome._

_AN: Next chapter is still in the works, and I have a 12 page book review due in two weeks, haven't read the book yet. ARGH. Hope you liked this one, sorry it got predictable in a few places, and i can already see the flames i'll get for sasuke and naruto's characterizations...ah well. _


	11. Final Treatment

**Final Treatment **

It was now about midday on that same beautiful, sunny day in Konoha, and Nara Shikamaru was running for his life.

_Where's the ANBU when I need them? Man, talk about troublesome…I don't know how long I can keep up this pace…_

Wishing he had worked more on his stamina, Konoha's most brilliant strategist began thinking furiously.

_Where can I go? Where can I go? Is anywhere safe? My house? No, mum and dad aren't home, no one to hear my screams. My office? Too predictable. Chouji's house? Damn, he's on a mission with Asuma-sensei. Or maybe Kuren-no. Or Ino-no. CRAP!_

Heart pounding, he skidded around a corner into a busy market street, hoping to lose the girls in the morning shopping crowds. A burly man carrying a box of sweet potatoes yelled with indignation as the young jounin shot past him, nearly jolting the box out of his arms. The man's yells were abruptly cut short as he dived for cover from the swarm of girls who came thundering past seconds later.

Shikamaru quickly realised that although the morning shopping crowds would certainly slow down ordinary pursuers, there was little short of a natural disaster that would be able to slow down the banshees behind him, and he was only bringing unnecessary danger to innocent civilians. Up ahead, a huge billboard advertising the latest Icha Icha Paradise movie (with special cameo performance by the novel's author, Jiraya-sama himself) gave the shadow user an idea. Hands working quickly, he formed a bunshin, which ostentatiously took to the rooftops, allowing the girls to see him, while Shikamaru himself sprinted for the back entrance of the Konoha Megaplex cinema.

The emergency exit door shut behind him, leaving the young shinobi in a comforting environment of darkness and quiet, broken only by the hum of air-conditioning. Even the sound of his footsteps was muffled into silence by the thick carpeting of the corridor. Ever since he was a child, the lazy jounin had never been afraid of the dark; as a member of the Nara clan, shadows were his natural element after all. Taking a moment to catch his breath, Shikamaru froze at the sight of a faint circle of torchlight bobbing towards him.

_Only an usher, probably heading out for a break. Still, it'd be troublesome to explain why I snuck in here…I'll just duck into a movie until he's gone, _he thought, sidling along to the nearest door and slipping inside with a stealth comparable to that of Ebisu peeping on Tsunade (1).

The theatre Shikamaru had entered was clearly about to screen its feature picture, as all the lights had been turned off, and the only free seat he could find was one near the back, close to the exit. The mandatory rustling of lolly wrappers, crunching of popcorn, and murmuring of viewers died away as the curtains pulled back, revealing the full width of the large screen. A muffled feminine squeal in the front row was quickly hushed as the sound of rushing water filled the theatre.

Oddly, the screen remained dark, but the sound of water continued, punctuated by splashing noises and the occasional squeak of what sounded just like…taps. _What movie have I walked into?_ Shikamaru's brow furrowed in thought as he tried to recall any titles he had seen advertised; unfortunately, due to the recent upheavals in his life, the last thing on his mind had been checking out the latest flicks.

_Maybe it's some kind of weird avant-garde film, who cares; it looks like it'll be easy to sleep through, _he thought, just as the sound of someone whistling a tune came from the screen. Excited whispering burst out from different spots in the audience, along with one muffled feminine voice exclaiming "Get to the good stuff already!" only to be shushed by other, more patient viewers.

The dark screen gradually began to get lighter, as a message in white letters wreathed in red roses appeared like the commentary at the beginning of a historical movie.

"He was an unknown. His talents were unappreciated. He was always overshadowed."

There was a pause. Another squeal came from Shikamaru's row, over to the left, "Hurry up! The suspense is killing me!"

"But one day, he was recognized. This man's worth was acknowledged. He rose from obscurity, and has now received the love and attention he deserves. This film is a tribute to him."

The buzz of excitement in the theatre began to increase in volume. A few girls shrieked. The atmosphere was becoming agitated and Shikamaru was beginning to think that maybe this wasn't the best place he could have picked to hide. There seemed to be an awful lot of girls in here…

Without warning, the screen turned completely white, momentarily illuminating the faces of the people around him, and a cold chill of fear trickled down the lazy jounin's back.

_In the whole crowded theatre, there was not another man in sight._

Shikamaru gulped. _Coming here was a really bad…_his train of thought was left hanging like washing forgotten on the line as his gaze turned back to the screen, only to be faced with…

…well, with his face.

His face and his neck, his shoulders, his chest, in fact, his whole upper body.

His whole _naked_ upper body.

His whole naked _wet _upper body.

It made perfect sense, really. Nara Shikamaru was usually naked and wet when he was **taking a shower**, after all.

Right about the moment that not only warning bells, but red flags, fire alarms, smoke signals and fog horns began to go off in the shadow user's head, the title of the film appeared on the screen in huge black letters wreathed with flowers: " 'Shikamaru-sama's Bathroom Adventure: UNCUT!' presented by ANBU Sneak Peek Productions".

And the audience went wild.

Suddenly all around him shrieking girls were standing up in their seats, throwing flowers, various pieces of underwear and plushies with suspiciously familiar pineapple-shaped hairstyles at the screen. The shot zoomed in and followed a trickle of water as it trailed down the shadow user's sun-browned, muscular neck, magnified hugely on the big screen. Throughout the theatre, banners and posters had sprung up from nowhere, waving as the girls holding them began to chant and sing.

A lesser man, finding himself in such a situation might have had a nervous breakdown on the spot and let loose with a fuuma shuriken. Luckily, members of the Nara clan were made of sterner stuff, and Shikamaru still had a hold on his sanity, tenuous though it was. Although the maniacal train wreck that had been his life for the past few weeks seemed to have reached its climax and Armageddon had come, he would be calm, he would be cool, he would be collected, he would _make it out of here ALIVE if NOBODY notices me – _

In such a state of mind, the lazy jounin could not be blamed for failing to avoid the girl beside him, who had been recklessly jumping up and down on her seat while screaming "Damn censoring! This is supposed to be UNCUT!" in a most unbecoming fashion. One badly executed jump resulted in a heavy tumble, landing her straight into Shikamaru's lap. She stared up at him; he stared back, too shocked to react; she blinked, the light of recognition dawning ominously in her eyes; he gulped; she jumped off him and screamed at the top of her lungs,

"He's here! It's him! It's Shikamaru-sama! He's right here! Look!"

With frightening response speed, the audience reacted in a manner reminiscent of bloodhounds when presented with their first real fox. Shikamaru's kawarimi, which he had formed as the light of recognition had begun to dawn, didn't last long under the onslaught, but it was enough to give Konoha's greatest strategist a 15 second head-start on the horde.

Feeling horrified and violated at the terrible display of the true extent of female pervertedness he had just witnessed, and firmly resolved never to shower again, Shikamaru burst out of the doors of the cinema, with a hundred shrieking women hot on his trail. Ducking into the first alleyway on the left, he overturned boxes and rubbish bins behind him, hoping to slow down his pursuers. A padlocked metal link gate at the end of the alley faced him; without a moment's hesitation the young jounin released a spurt of chakra and bounded over, coming out into a dingy courtyard.

_Crap, a dead end! _Shikamaru spun around, looking for an exit. There was an arched doorway on the right wall, but it had been cemented up long ago. Inexplicably, the fleeting image of a green-eyed kunoichi, black-gloved fists glowing, pink hair swirling around her face as she punched through a brick wall as if it were a soggy cookie flashed through the pony-tailed boy's mind. _She'd come in handy right about now, but since I can't go out, _he leaped to the top of the fence again, then gathered chakra in his feet, _I'll have to go up._

Once on the rooftops, Shikamaru headed back to the busy marketplace. Too bad for the innocent civilians; he had his own innocence to protect. Leaping down from windowsill to windowsill, he hit the ground running, slid around a corner and launched himself forward into a roll, just in time to avoid two men carrying a sheet of glass between them down the street. The men sighed with relief at the aversion of an accident, looked down the street where Shikamaru had appeared from, then quickly flattened themselves against a wall, successfully dodging the crowd of hormone-driven she-wolves that stampeded past.

Unfortunately, the sheet of glass was broken a few minutes later when a certain perverted hermit, camera in hand, jostled one of the men as he shot past, hot on the trail of what was promising to be prime material for his next book.

Rapidly approaching the village square, apples spilled suddenly from a pile in front of a stall across Shikamaru's path, but he cleared them with a well-timed leap, only to fly straight into a confectionary cart which seemed to have appeared from nowhere. Sweet rice cakes and sticky dango scattered on the ground as the old woman pushing the cart began screeching furiously.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" The pony-tailed jounin leapt to his feet, knowing the horde of rabid females was only seconds behind him. He stopped, feeling unbalanced. _Why is everything fuzzy? My glasses!_

He looked around frantically, hearing the screeches of the girls drawing closer. Then a sudden flash of reflected light caught Shikamaru's eye, and there were his glasses, gleaming cheerfully on the ground a few feet away. It was a tough call; but with a strangled groan he lunged for them. After all, how would he be able to evade the girls if he were half blind?

Grasping the sleek metal frames, Shikamaru slipped them back onto his face, but as he turned to run, bony fingers clutched at his arm, digging into his bicep. He looked down into the wrinkled, angry face of the old hag whose cart he had just overturned.

"My cart!" she shrieked, shaking him viciously, "Who's going to pay for my cart! It's all ruined!"

"I'm sorry! I'll pay you back later! Just let me go Granny, please!" The panicking young jounin tried to twist away from her grip then stopped, recognizing the touch of desperation in the old face. That cart was probably the woman's only livelihood, which he had just ruined for the day. He gazed at the wreckage, feeling suddenly guilty.

Now being a highly skilled jounin, of course Shikamaru knew at least a hundred ways to release himself from someone's grasp, but all of them involved pain. The shadow user could hardly bring himself to strike a female ninja in battle, let alone manhandle an old woman of his own village. He stilled then, an icy calm settling over him as he looked at the feminine mob thundering toward him.

_It's over._

The old cart owner finally noticed the human plague approaching and, releasing Shikamaru's arm, took cover beneath her over-turned cart. Now freed, the young man made no move to flee. It was too late, there was nowhere to go, and somehow, he didn't feel like running anymore. His glasses had slipped down a little; one sun-browned hand reached up and pushed them back into place, fingertips brushing the bridge of his nose.

_No more running._

The pony-tailed shinobi wiped the sweat from his palms onto his khaki pants then shook his hands, loosening his wrists. He flexed his fingers, then brought his hands slowly up in front of his stomach, pressing his palms together firmly. The screeching of the girls was only a few seconds away now.

_It's time to end this. _

And as Nara Shikamaru stood, watching his doom draw ever closer, a small smile appeared on his face.

**(1)see, Ebisu's so stealthy even YOU didn't know he peeped on her! **

_AN: Believe me, when it came to naming this chapter, I was thinking of titles along the lines of: "Finally updated", "Thankyou for hanging on so long everyone", "Please don't kill me!" etc. That said, I won't bore you all with pitiful excuses and "reasons" as to why it's taken so long to update. Better late than never I always say…argh. _

_By the way, I derived considerable amusement from the barrage of comments and questions regarding Sasuke's intended sexual orientation in the last chapter. Because I so hate to take away the joys of imagination, I will leave it open to each readers' own interpretation. Thankyou so much for reading and reviewing, I can't think of anything else that made me finish this chapter...damn fillers...when will they ever cease? _


	12. Positive Prognosis

_Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto...if I did, we would only be up to episode 12, and the last episode would have aired over a year ago...and all the fans would have found out where I lived and beat me up for not updating faster.  
_

**Positive Prognosis**

It is a well known fact that to a screaming mob, there is no greater thrill than that of the chase. Feet pound the ground, blood pumps furiously through adrenalin-charged veins, eliminating all rational thought, and the scent of the prey, the scent of fear, drives the pursuers mad.

So that when the prey can be seen only a short distance ahead, standing alone and defeated, it means that victory is nigh and the fruits of triumph may soon be enjoyed to the fullest.

In most cases, that is.

But when that prey is a lazy Konoha jounin with an IQ of over 200, and his hands are forming a secret seal and there is _that_ particular smirk on his face, it means something quite different.

It means, Checkmate.

Every girl in the horde suddenly felt as if her limbs had been coated in concrete. Halting abruptly, they stood unmoving, but not by their own will. Something was stopping them, immobilizing them. They were helpless, completely under the power of the mysterious force which froze them in place.

Nara Shikamaru looked up thankfully at the heavy cloud cover which had cast its ominous shadows over the village, and let his smirk broaden.

"Mass shadow binding jutsu, successful." He whispered the words softly, almost under his breath.

-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-

Not far from the marketplace where a young man of the Nara clan was facing his destiny, three kunoichi were skimming lightly over the rooftops, leaving startled cats and ruffled laundry in their wake.

"Ah, Sakura-san, where are we going?" asked Hinata, panting slightly. She was beginning to regret her choice in unseasonably thick padded jackets, and moreover had a nagging feeling that she was forgetting something important.

"To my office."

"And why are we going there?" asked Ino as she dodged a clothesline strung like a tripwire across the roof, "I thought we were going to go save Shikamaru from certain molestation?"

Sakura flashed a determined smile at her friends. "That's exactly what we're going to do, trust me."

Hinata looked even more worried, and Ino rolled her eyes.

"Fine, be all cryptic about it then, you know we'll follow you anywhere, O wise one. It's not like I have anything better to do for lunch," the blonde girl exclaimed melodramatically. At those words, Hinata let out a sudden gasp of horror and came to a dead halt at the edge of the rooftop they were traversing. Her pale hands flew to cover her mouth, and her milky white eyes were wide with anguish.

Sakura and Ino stopped and turned back to see the cause of the shy girl's distress.

"Hinata! What's wrong?"

"Don't stop on the edge of a roof like that! It's dangerous!"

But Hinata hardly seemed to hear them. She was whispering something to herself over and over, face pale with shock.

If the two girls had been close enough, they might have heard her horrified mutterings.

"I totally forgot. How could I forget? I can't believe I forgot about him."

-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-

Still trying to decide whether his new status as third wheel in Naruto and Hinata's relationship would entitle him to accompany them on their honeymoon, or whether it merely gave him the right to hibernate on the couch in their future shared living room, Uchiha Sasuke walked into Ichiraku Ramen. His eyes immediately began roving the room, searching for the stack of empty bowls which would alert him to his best rival's presence.

Ah, there he was. The blindingly orange jacket and blonde hair were hard to miss. That, and the ominously wavering tower of crockery which sat on the counter beside him.

…And that was all that sat beside him. Naruto was alone. Black eyes flicked to the clock on the wall, and widened in surprise. It was past lunch time; well past, in fact.

_Where on earth is Hinata? I thought Naruto and she were having lunch together? Why isn't she here? _

Perplexed, the Uchiha walked over to the counter, and sat down at the blonde's side. Naruto was deep in the throes of gastronomic bliss, his face covered by his bowl as he tipped it up to slurp the last dregs of soup like a starving man. He didn't notice Sasuke until the bowl clunked back down, empty, on the counter.

"Ah, that was so good. I could sure do with another one -" Even as the words left Naruto's lips, a fresh bowl of hot ramen plunked onto the counter in front of Sasuke, who wordlessly slid it across to his loudly-dressed rival.

"Eh!? I can have this? Thanks Sasuke!" Without further questioning, Naruto fell to.

"Will there be anything else for you, young sir?" The old man asked Sasuke politely.

"I'll have my usual, thank you."

With a nod, the old man turned and shouted, "One tomato salad and an ice water!" before moving away to deal with the leaning tower of Naruto's bowls. As the daily lunch partner and chief financier of their best customer, only Uchiha Sasuke could order salad in Ichiraku Ramen without getting kicked out.

The dark-haired young man turned to face his friend, trying to look nonchalant as he leaned an elbow on the counter.

"So….dobe…where's uh, where's Hinata? Did you guys break up already or something?" Sasuke quickly modulated the overly hopeful tone in his voice, "Did she have to leave on, like, a 2 year mission? Or did she just stand you up?"

Naruto turned to look at him in surprise, noodles hanging from his mouth.

"Hinata, standing me up…what are you talking about?"

"Idiot," The Uchiha rolled his eyes, "Didn't you say that I didn't have to buy you ramen today, because you were having lunch with _her_?"

"Huh? Did I say that – oooh yeaah…." The blonde slurped up the last of his noodles as he remembered, then grinned sheepishly, "Whoops, I guess I totally forgot about meeting her here. Hehe, the noodles are just so good today!"

Sasuke resisted the urge to smack him in the head. "You're not the one who forgot, dead last. It's Hinata who hasn't shown up."

Naruto looked around the restaurant, which only confirmed Sasuke's statement, then turned his gaze back to his friend, looking vaguely hurt. "Yeah, you're right; she hasn't come. Huh."

Sasuke's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Shouldn't you be a little more surprised? Hurt? Angry?" _Does this mean that Naruto doesn't care about her after all?_

"Hm…" A thoughtful frown appeared on the blonde ninja's face, "Well, I don't know, I mean, Hinata's not the kind of girl to just stand a guy up, like, she's really nice and honest. I'm sure she has a good reason for not coming. Besides," the frown gave place to a teasing grin, and Naruto leaned over to fling an arm around Sasuke's shoulders, giving the stoic shinobi an affectionate squeeze, "I've always got _you_ to buy me ramen and stuff, right Sasuke? Hehe."

The dark-haired jounin felt, to his horror, insidious warmth creeping up his neck. He recognized it as an emotion; specifically, happiness. Even worse, his facial muscles were twitching painfully, forming an unaccustomed expression. He guessed it was a smile; his first clue being when Naruto's blue eyes went round as saucers, and Konoha's number one noisiest ninja fell off his stool, then scrambled up into a seated position, aiming a shaking finger at the Uchiha's face.

"SASUKE! Is that a smile? Dude, WARN me before you pull one of those out, I swear! Quick, has anyone got a camera!?"

"Idiot." Sasuke snorted then turned back to the counter to start on his salad, which had just arrived, accompanied by an ice water. The thought that now was a prime opportunity to maliciously undermine Hinata in her absence briefly crossed his mind, but looking at his blonde friend, who was still clutching at his chest, raving about how Sasuke needed to show a wider variety of facial expressions, so as to desensitize the public to the shock, the Uchiha decided that Hinata had enough of a battle ahead of her to win Naruto's heart.

_I don't need to make things any harder for the poor girl; at least, not until they're officially dating. Nobody steals __**my**__ best rival without working for it._

A slightly evil smirk appeared on his shapely lips, and Naruto surreptitiously stole a gulp of the dark-haired boy's ice water. The noisy shinobi wasn't sure what had put his best friend into such a good mood, but he shrugged it off and turned his mind to more important matters, like whether or not he should get an extra egg in his next bowl of ramen.

-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-

Shikamaru was careful to keep his breathing slow and steady as he faced the army of immobilized females no more than a few metres in front of him. The temptation to curl up into the foetal position and start hyper-ventilating was almost over-powering. Grimly, he fought it off, knowing that even a moment's lapse in concentration could perhaps break his control and that if that happened, he could kiss freedom goodbye.

Apart from himself and the fangirl horde, the street was deserted. In his peripheral vision, he could see a few faces peering fearfully out of shop windows, but no one was making a move to head outside.

_Well, at least the innocent civilians are safe. For the moment._

He took a deep breath. _Ok, here goes nothing._ In a loud voice, Shikamaru asked of his captive audience,

"So, who likes to play chess?"

He was met with dead silence. Of course the girls couldn't reply, as his control on the jutsu was so tight that none of them could move their lips. It was a good start anyway.

"Well, _I_ like to play chess. A lot. In fact that's pretty much what I like to do in my spare time. I love to play chess for hours against old men, because they're the only ones who can give me a decent game."

More silence, but silence with a decidedly puzzled air to it. Shikamaru could see the girls' eyes swiveling back and forth at each other in unspoken questioning. Encouraged, he continued.

"There's something else I like to do in my spare time, and that's lie around staring up at the sky, cloud-watching. I really, really enjoy it. You could even say it's my passion!"

He paused, and gave his best impression of Gai sensei's "Burning Flame of Youth" grin. His teeth didn't quite go ping! but it had the desired effect; an almost unnoticeable ripple of horror swept over the throng.

"My dream is to quit being a ninja and lie around doing nothing all day, earning no money. Anything else would be too troublesome." Shikamaru laughed brightly, a move he had seen Kakashi sensei pull on his latest genin students when he turned up to meet them 3 hours late on a cold and rainy morning, "Actually "too troublesome" is one of my favourite phrases! A friend calculated that I say it at least 57 times in an average day. I also think women are especially troublesome!"

The pony-tailed jounin felt the physical force exerted by the girls on his jutsu ease off ever so slightly. He relaxed his hold just enough to allow facial expressions to appear. They were ranging from bewildered to unimpressed. _So far so good._

"When I say that women are troublesome, that doesn't mean I don't want to get married; of course I do! Then my wife can do all the work and support me. It'll be great! Oh, and she can have two kids, a boy and a girl, and then we'll grow old and die at the same time, having never taken a family holiday together. I think that's the best life, don't you?"

He finished with a flourish and grinned Naruto's I-just-obliviously-said-something-ridiculous-and-offensive-what-do-you-think?-grin which usually earned him a whack on the head from Sakura.

The strain on his jutsu was now at a minimal level, and the facial expressions were firmly centred around 'definitely unimpressed' and 'highly insulted.'

_Perfect!_

Slowly, carefully, the shadow user eased off on the jutsu a little more, enough to allow speaking. An immediate murmur sprang up among the girls. Shikamaru could hear some of the snatches of conversation.

"I can't believe Shikamaru-sama said that!"

"Shikamaru-sama likes _chess_!? But my grandfather plays that!"

"He'll have no money if he quits being a ninja!"

"Doesn't his smile remind you of that creepy genin sensei with the eyebrows?"

"I don't want a weird guy who has a-a _passion_ for clouds!"

"What a chauvinist!"

"I'm not going to support some loser who wants to lie around the house all day!"

Everything seemed like it was going according to plan. For over the last few tumultuous weeks, Nara Shikamaru had formed a theory about crazed fan girls. A theory that they were in love with an image, not a person; with fantasy, not reality, and that when they were confronted with the truth, plain and simple, there would be nothing left to obsess over and spy on in the shower. That, plus Ino had been telling him since they were twelve that he had such boring and creepy interests that no girl would go out with him in a fit. It seemed that she had been right all long.

"Who cares about who he is! He still looks hot! I say jump him anyway!"

The lone voice rang out above the murmur. Shikamaru went cold. Another voice spoke up.

"Why not? I didn't run all this way for nothing!"

"Yeah, let's go!"

_You've got to be kidding me._

The pony-tailed ninja felt the pressure on his jutsu increase suddenly. So suddenly, and so severely, that his control slipped. It slipped and broke. There was a few seconds lag as the girls realized that they could move again. For a moment, everything seemed to stand still.

At this crucial instant, from a doorway somewhere to his left and a little behind him, Shikamaru heard a distinct _click_, accompanied by a flash of light.

_A camera? _

There was only one shinobi in Konoha, no, probably in Fire Country, who would be taking photos at a time like this. A smirk spread across the shadow user's face as his course of action became clear.

_He SO deserves this. _

The fastest girls pounced with one accord; Shikamaru watched them come, sailing through the air toward him as if in slow motion, renewed determination written in every line of their straining bodies. Mid-flight, none of them had time to register, let alone react, to the very familiar, academy-level seal the young jounin's practiced fingers completed in a split second.

_Kawarimi no jutsu!_

The first wave of girls were soon overcome, and squashed beneath the tide of females behind them, each one determined to take some compensation for their long, grueling chase. It was not until the whole crowd was heaped up in a comical pile, the kind of scrum parody only found in cartoons, that the girls realized something was terribly wrong with the man they had mass-glomped.

Number one, he was not wearing glasses.

Number two, although he had a ponytail, it was not black, but white.

Number three, he was not Nara Shikamaru.

And number four; he was the very last shinobi that any girl _not_ being paid by the hour would want to be glomping.

Jiraiya, one of the Legendary Sannin, the Toad Hermit, esteemed author of the Icha Icha Paradise Series and its spin-off bestseller, Icha Icha Violence, was one happy ninja.

Sure he was a little miffed at losing his camera during the split second body replacement jutsu. After all, he had been in the middle of gathering pictorial data for his next novel, but then again, as an author, what could be better than writing from personal experience?

"Well, well, well, what to do with so many lovely women all at once? Never fear ladies, there's plenty of Jiraiya-sama to go around!"

Amidst gasps of horrified recognition, the girls closest to him began to scramble in a panic, trying to get up, but it was too late. A particularly wicked glint appeared in the Sannin's dark eyes, as his hands formed a secret seal and his voice rose in a triumphant shout.

"Secret Forbidden Technique: MASS GROPE JUTSU!"

The squeals that ensued could be heard echoing until the Valley of the End.

_Author's Note: And there we have it, the last chapter of this fic...ok fine, there is an epilogue, a few different scenarios, I just have to decide which one to use. Thank you so much to all the wonderful reviewers who encouraged (read, "threatened") me until I squeezed out this last chapter. I couldn't have done it, and wouldn't have done it without you all. Actually I finished this a few days ago, but wouldn't let me upload it for some reason...grrr. I hope you liked this chapter! And look out for the epilogue..._


	13. Epilogue

_Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, or Shikamaru. This T-shirt I'm wearing isn't even mine either...uh oh..._**  
**

**Epilogue**

It was a quiet mid-morning at the office, and Nara Shikamaru sat at his desk, contentedly occupied with opening his mail. In contrast to the piles of perfume-scented, indecently worded notes, invitations and fan mail coloured in every shade of pink that he had been receiving over the course of the past few weeks, today there were only a few advertising pamphlets, a leave of absence request or two, and a small flat package wrapped in brown paper.

With deft fingers, he removed the drab covering to reveal a signed copy of an_Icha Icha Paradise Limited Edition_ that included two extra chapters which hadn't made it past the censor in the widely distributed version. Shikamaru raised an eyebrow as he flipped through it then grinned at the message elegantly brush-stroked onto a piece of paper tucked inside the dust jacket.

_For the man who provided the inspiration for Icha Icha Fangirls and its sidestory, Kunoichi Katfights: Illustrated. To be released next spring. (Don't get your ponytail in a knot, kid, I'll use pseudonyms)_

"Now there's a Legendary Sannin for you." The pony-tailed ninja chuckled softly. What other shinobi could take on a horde of lust-crazed fangirls and live to tell, let alone write a best-selling novel about it?

Thanks to the efforts of the mighty Toad Hermit, in combination with Shikamaru's own self-revelatory speech to the women, everything had gone back to normal, and just two days ago, ANBU had broken into his apartment and left almost undetectable signs of having filled in holes in his bathroom wall; clearly, Sneak Peek Productions had decided to find a new leading man.

There was a knock at the door. Shikamaru quickly bundled Jiraiya's gift back into its wrapping and shoved it into a convenient desk drawer. Maybe he could keep it up his sleeve to bribe Hatake Kakashi the next time he needed the Copy-nin to babysit a new chuunin squad.

"Come in."

He was surprised to see none other than Haruno Sakura walk into his office, leaving the door partially open behind her. She was poised and smiling as usual, but there seemed to be an air of hesitation around her which Shikamaru couldn't quite fathom. Inexplicably, he began to feel nervous.

"Good morning Shikamaru."

"Hi Sakura, what are you doing here?" _Why the hell did I say that!? It sounds like I want her to leave!_

"Er, I mean, what can I do for you?" _Yeah, better._

"Well, Tsunade-shishou and I have been researching this eye strengthening technique, and she suggested I try it out on uh, you, so, if you have a minute, I mean, if you're not busy…" Sakura trailed off, looking embarrassed.

The pony-tailed jounin looked surprised for a second then nodded. "Sure, I'm wide open."

"Ok then, just sit back and relax for a minute." Sakura dragged an extra chair around the corner of Shikamaru's desk and sat down on it as he swivelled to face her.

_Too close, he'll get uncomfortable._

_Too close, she'll smell my coffee breath._

Both ninja simultaneously began to shift their chairs back, caught each other's gaze and started to blush furiously.

"Um, right, well I'll just get started then." Still blushing, the pink-haired girl shook her hands from the wrists to loosen up then wriggled her fingers for a few seconds, before laying a hand against each of the shadow-user's temples.

"Sure, yeah, and um, Sakura?" Shikamaru spoke tentatively.

"Yes?" Her eyes were shut, and in his peripheral vision he could see a soft green glow emanating from her hands.

"Thank you for trying to help me out the other day. I know you didn't get there in time, but I appreciate the thought."

Sakura's eyes flew open with surprise. "How on earth did you know about – Ino!"

He grinned. "Yeah, Ino spilled. Told me how you guys showed up with some hideous orange glasses you had stashed away. From her description, they sounded familiar somehow."

Sakura smiled sheepishly, "Well, I was planning to give them to Naruto, but Sasuke threatened my life. Anyway, by the time we got there, all we could see was a pile of fangirls looking violated and outraged, and Jiraiya-sama," she laughed aloud, "whose life I saved by the way."

Shikamaru raised an eyebrow, "No kidding? How did you do that?"

"By stemming the worst nosebleed this town has seen since Tsunade-shishou got drunk and flashed Ebisu-senpai at the Spring Festival last year."

"Yeah, that was quite a gusher."

Eyes closed once more, Sakura shifted her hands for a moment, a slight crease appearing between her eyebrows.

_Crap. Did she notice?_

Her face cleared, and Shikamaru inwardly sighed with relief. A smile hovering about her lips, she said, "And by the way, you're welcome for the rumour we started as well."

"Rumour?"

The hovering smile turned into a mischievous smirk. "According to this rumour, you've been out of town on a mission for the last few weeks, and it was Jiraya-sama impersonating you and hitting on girls all this time. Needless to say, I don't think many girls will be going near him or you for the next few months."

The pony-tailed boy couldn't believe his ears. "Sakura, that's pure genius!"

To his astonishment, at these words, her cheeks darkened to a rosy blush, and her hands dropped from his temples quickly.

"Well, you're all done! I've really got to be going now, lots of patients to see, lives to save, you understand." Sakura sprang to her feet, knocking over the chair she had been sitting on. "Sorry!" She made a grab for the chair, but Shikamaru beat her to it and set the chair upright again.

"Don't worry, I've got it."

"Oh ok, right, well, I'll see you later then, Shikamaru," still flustered and trying to ignore the a peculiar sinking feeling in her chest, the pink-haired girl walked to the door. Her hand was turning the knob when Shikamaru spoke from behind her, sounding as if the words had been wrung out of him.

"Listen, Sakura – to say thank you for your help, I was wondering if you'd like to," he hesitated," I mean, if maybe you would –"

There was a knock at the door, and he paused. Sakura didn't move.

_Just spit it out, you idiot!_

Hand still on the knob, the pink-haired girl turned to face him with a smile.

"I'd love to, Shikamaru. Tonight at 7?"

"Yeah uh –"

He broke off at the sound of another knock, followed by rattling of the door handle. Sakura just smiled.

"I'll come meet you at your office, here."

"Ok, so –"

From outside, a murmur of voices could be heard, and someone started banging on the door again.

"I'll see you later, Shikamaru, so have a nice day!" Still beaming, Sakura released the door knob, then nimbly stepped to one side to avoid being crushed as Naruto burst in, falling on the floor in an orange heap.

"Shikamaru! You have got to get this door fixed! I was trying to get in just now but the door knob was totally frozen up or something – Sakura-chan?" The blonde stopped in the midst of his rant and blinked in surprise.

"Good morning Naruto, Sasuke-kun," she smiled at Sasuke as he entered the room with a folder tucked under one arm.

"Sakura," he nodded at her briefly then turned to Shikamaru. "We have mission reports to turn in." He handed over the folder he had been holding. Scrambling into a sitting position, Naruto frowned in thought for a moment.

"Oh yeah!" Brightening, he unzipped his jacket and dug around in the inner pockets, then pulled out a sheaf of paper and tossed it onto the desk in front of him.

"Thanks guys," Shikamaru gave Sakura a wave as she headed out the door, shooting him a wink over her shoulder as she went. He let out a sigh of relief.

_She didn't notice. And, I have a date. All according to plan._

"See ya, Shikamaru! We'd love to stay and chat, but we've gotta go train with Hinata-chan!" Naruto called noisily as he followed Sasuke, who muttered, "Do we _always_ have to train with her?" as they walked out the door.

With a nod of acknowledgement, the pony-tailed ninja sat back down in his chair. He removed his glasses and slid them into their case, then tucked them away in the third left-hand drawer of his desk. He looked up at the clock on the opposite wall; first with his left eye shut, then his right eye. Perfect vision, as expected of the Fifth Hokage's healing abilities.

_Two days ago…_

His eyes were shut, but he could feel a warm tingling behind his eyelids as Tsunade-sama's chakra flowed into him, minutely adjusting and altering _something_, he wasn't sure what, in his eyeballs. After a few minutes, it stopped, and when he opened his eyes, the Hokage's beautiful face was visible to him in un-blurred detail.

"Well, you shouldn't need these anymore, Shikamaru-kun," she said, holding up his glasses for his inspection.

"Yeah, I guess not, but I think I'll hang on to them for just a bit longer."

"If you like," the Hokage shrugged, handing them to him.

"And Hokage-sama, if you could do me a favour and not tell Sakura that you've fixed my eyesight, I'd really appreciate it."

"Not tell Sakura?" She gave him a fishy look for a long moment. Shikamaru's gaze didn't waver. "Well, alright."

_Present…_

Shikamaru grinned. After Ino had told him about Sakura's attempt to help him, he figured it would only be a matter of time before she thought of using medical ninjutsu. He had waited for over a week, but couldn't refuse when Tsunade had offered to personally heal his eyes two days ago.

He was glad the Hokage had honoured his request and not told Sakura.

_This way, she thinks that she helped someone and so it makes her feel better. Typical medic nin._

He was even gladder that she hadn't noticed his eyes had already been in perfect condition. He had been a bit worried about that, but counted on her inexperience with the jutsu and distracting her with small talk to gloss over the fact.

_It all went exactly as I planned._

Except, he had to admit, that he hadn't really planned for Sakura's sudden blush when he called her a genius. That had not really been expected. The way his heart had suddenly started pounding and his palms had gone all sweaty hadn't really been in his calculations either.

And yet.

_She's going to come and meet me at 7._ A grin spread over Nara Shikamaru's face as he slid down into his chair, getting comfortable for his mid-morning nap.

_I guess things don't always end up according to plan._

His eyes slowly slid shut.

_Sometimes, they end up even better._

_Author's Note: And that's the end. Thank you so much to all the reviewers. It was your encouragement alone that made me see this through to the end! I got a lot requests for pairings, but unfortunately, I never intended for this to be a romance piece. It was actually quite a surprise when people started pointing out ShikaSaku elements, which definitely influenced the direction of the story. _

_The SasuNaru element was another surprise. I got a few concerned reviews, asking whether or not Sasuke was gay! I think we ALL know the answer to that...haha kidding. I've decided to leave it up to the readers how much yaoi subtext they want to read into it._

_Anyway, thanks again for reading! _


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